I sat across from her at breakfast and we smiled at each other. When would be the right time to resolve the conflict I was feeling with 'S'? Certainly not in the noisy dining room here at camp. I headed over to the art room after breakfast and seized the first private moment we had.
As she stepped outside to check on her batik (that she worked on in my classroom the day before), I asked if I could talk to her about something. Here's how it went:
Me: This is about yesterday when you came into my classroom while I was teaching in the afternoon. I am imagining that when you came in to work on your project, you were trying to alleviate some of the stress you were feeling. Is this true?
S: Yes.
Me: I understand that you were under a lot of stress. When you came into the middle of my class, your actions added stress to my day.
S: I am sorry. I didn't realize that. I was caught up in my own world.
Me: I get that. I don't have an issue with you working on your own work. You just need to do that on your own time. Before or after class is in session, never during. Is that clear?
S: Absolutely.
There were no hard feelings, no accusations, just clear expression of the impact her actions had on me. And what I expected from now on.
What makes a confrontation like this more successful is empathy. I started out empathizing with what might have been going on for her. We are all meeting our various needs all day. Sometimes we don't consider how that might impact another. I have come to realize how important empathy is.
The icing on the cake is that the camp director, a naturally direct and task oriented non-empathic person, expressed empathy to me at breakfast. She said, "You are all alone in the art room now." And then she pouted. How unlike anything I had ever witnessed before from her! I thanked her for the empathy. And she replied, "A little empathy goes a long way!" I answered, "It sure does!"
Will you share one example of when you have used empathy instead of being reactive?
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Isn't it amazing how miracles start happening when you show empathy towards yourself and others.
ReplyDeleteHelen
Absolutely! Thanks for bringing the attention to the miracle here. Many don't see it as such, but I like to look for and appreciate the miracles in every day life. Glad you are a like-minded soul.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you're holding S. responsible for your feelings of stress instead of acknowledging that your stress is created by YOUR reaction to S.'s actions. Would have enjoyed hearing what needs of yours were unmet when S. entered the classroom.
ReplyDeleteI wonder too if your "empathy" was just really just a strategy so you could get to your self-expression?
Then you said : Before or after class is in session, never during. Is that clear?
I would have enjoyed an acknowledgment that you're making a demand instead of a request because the distinction is so critical to connection.
Hey Mark,
ReplyDeleteWow, your comments did not meet my need for compassionate communication. When I read what you wrote late last night, I felt angry because my need for being fully seen and understood for my true intentions was not met. I felt judged, and I shut down.
After I processed your comments, I am able to see the gift in your words. You are right that I did not state my unmet needs when S was working in the classroom. The primary need was support.
Self expression is extremely important to me, but not because I need to be right and make the other wrong. I enjoy a relationship where everyone gets to be right.
And I will acknowledge that the way I wrote my request sounded like a demand. If I had said, "would you be willing to.... " that would have been more connecting.
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog.