Saying "I'm Disappointed in You"

How do you express your disappointment in someone without hurting their feelings? Don't you have the right to say how you feel when someone has hurt your feelings? 

Yesterday, while learning with a young twelve-year old girl in preparation for her Bat Mitzvah, we spoke about overcoming our fears. She cited a personal example of her fear of a teacher who often hands back papers to the students for a do-over. She tells the student that he/she could do better. And my young Bat Mitzvah girl is afraid to do poorly in this class. She said that the message behind the teacher's words is "I am disappointed in you. Go back and do better."  

"What if I already did my best?" asked my young friend. "What if I can't do any better?"

Many of us can recall a person who expressed their disappointment in us. Usually it was a parent or another authority figure. I remember feeling like I wasn't good enough, and I felt blamed and filled with shame for my disappointing behavior. And like my eighteen-year-old son likes to tell me, "Nothing good can come out of that."

How to express disappointment?

1) Ask yourself, "What is my intention?" a) Do I want to make the other person feel bad? or 

b) Do I want to connect to the other person? Do I really believe in that person rising to their beautiful essence? 

2) If your intention is is b) then speak to the other person about your belief in what is possible for them. 

3) Ask them how they felt hearing you say how much you believe in them.

4) Give them choice. Ask if they would like to do something over, or improve upon it? Ask what it might give THEM to do that, not what it would give YOU if they are pleasing you.

5) Leave them alone to make that choice.

Please feel free to share any personal experiences with expressing disappointment and how you handled it. And if you have any questions about a do-over, I am here to help!