Is My Teenager an Alien?

Yesterday, I went to my 8th grade daughter's school to watch her tennis team play a few matches. When I arrived, carrying the large bag of snacks that she had requested, she informed me that not only was she not playing on the team, she didn't even want to watch the game! I had just driven a half hour to find that out. And I wasn't too happy. 

Suppressing my urge to lecture her (ie: yell and scream), I went across the street to a friend for an iced tea and some lively conversation. After about a half hour, my daughter phoned me to please pick her up. On our way home, I told her that I bought her a great camera for her graduation gift. Her response was, "You bought the Panasonic and not the Canon? It figures, you buy what you want, not what I want!!" She then went into a whole tirade about how cheap I am, always trying to save money.

Here's what I was feeling: Angry, unappreciated, disrespected. I'm not sure what she was feeling because she stopped talking to me for the last twenty minutes of our drive. I am guessing that she might have been feeling angry, unappreciated and disrespected. Hey, those are the same values as mine!!!

Which is probably why we lock horns so often. It's also because she is 14 and her hormones cause her to have Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde mood swings. And the bottom line is that her most important value is choice. She wants to choose when, where, and how to do almost everything. Which presents a problem for me. Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of choice. I spent most of my teen years wanting to be respected for my choices. It's just that I am also the mom, and we are a family, and many of our choices need to be in respect to what's best for the family while honoring each individual.

By the way, she just came over to my house (she slept at her dad's last night), and acted as if nothing had happened yesterday (more Jeckyll and Hyde). She gave me a kiss and hug. Huh? Exactly! 

How to work out issues with your teen (or any adult displaying adolescent behavior):

1. Time is a great healer. If you don't trust what might come out of your mouth, it's probably best to say nothing for a while.

2. Breathe. This is way under-rated. Take lots of cleansing breaths.

3. Positive self-talk. The whole way home from school, while I sat seething in silence and breathing my cleansing breaths, I told myself, "You are a good mother. You take good care of your children. She will come around..."

4. When things are calm, talk it out. This is tricky with my daughter. She wants to keep most conversations to a few lines, like a text message. That's fine. Don't lecture. 

5. Listen carefully to what is going on for your teen.

6. Reflect back that you understand what they are saying.

7. Make a request of your teen for future altercations.

I plan to have my text talk tonight and listen carefully to her needs. I will then express mine. 

And then make her clean her room. It is a pig sty!!!!!