Rodger McFarlane and My Father

Yesterday afternoon, while driving my dad to the orthopedist, I turned on NPR to drown out dad's incessant rumination and depressed conversation. Terry Gross replayed a 1998 interview of Rodger McFarlane, the Aids activist who who wrote The Complete Bedside Companion: A No-Nonsense Guide to Caring for the Seriously Ill. Roger took his life yesterday at the age of 54. You can listen here to the interview. His words helped me to see my caretaker role in a whole new light.

Rodger McFarlane grew up in a home where he and his brother were emotionally and physically abused by his mother and other relatives. His dad turned away and in his passivity, was abusive as well. When his father developed lymphoma, Rodger chose to become his primary caretaker. And through this process, although he could never fully forgive his dad, he healed the relationship and was able to have closure. 

He spoke about his experience as a caretaker to the terminally ill, those unable to care for themselves. Whether it was Aids, Alzheimers, Cancer, or any other illness, advocating for those who can't advocate for themselves is extremely powerful. No matter how un-fairy tale-like your relationship with that person was, it is profound to care for those who can't care for themselves.

It was in that moment that I released my disappointment in not having the fairy tale dream of a strong father figure who had guided me in life. Although I had willingly chosen to be my father's primary medical advocate and caretaker, I still had a hard time giving from my heart to the father who I couldn't relate to on many levels, the depressed and stuck and narrow-minded man who was not my teacher or my guide. At least not in the way that I imagined a father "should" be. 

I know that my dad gave me love and warmth, told great stories about Wimpy from the Popeye cartoon, and was a great provider of all things childish, such as candy, ice cream, and toys. He was incapable of giving much more than that. So I learned what not to do, how not to be stuck, depressed, feel like I can't do things in life. I learned that life is too short to put things off. I learned the value of saying "I love you" to my children and my parents. It's not enough to just know that we love each other. Saying it out loud is an affirmation of that love.

So, thank you Rodger McFarlane, for being an exemplary role model for caregiving, selflessness, and virtue. Although I never knew you in life, you have inspired me in the way that you lived your life.