The Problem With Saying Yes When You Mean NO!

There is a real art in saying "no". Many of us are raised with the idea that we need to make everyone happy. This "people pleasing" fallacy has led to many uncomfortable and unhappy people. One of my clients came to me yesterday with this very problem.

She had made a much-anticipated lunch plan with a good friend, an amendment to a relationship that had fallen a bit to the wayside. That morning, her husband called and told her that he found himself with some free time before a trip and was available for lunch. She explained that although she would love to see him, she had already made plans with a friend. He said that was fine, he would just stay a little while and would she please order a cheeseburger for him? Not wanting to hurt his feelings by pressing the matter further, she then phoned her friend and explained the situation. Her friend, who was afraid to express her true feelings about the change in plans said, "Fine!" with an underlying passive/aggressive anger.

Needless to say, lunch didn't go so well for anyone, and all parties were left uncomfortable and unhappy. The husband felt that his wife didn't love him enough to put him first. The friend felt that her friendship didn't matter enough to take priority, and the wife felt that she said yes to her husband when she meant no and had a big stomachache at the end of lunch.

My good friend and colleague, Pearl Mattenson, wrote about the power of saying "no" in her newsletter this month. Read her full post here. I have excerpted some of the article for this post:

Some tips on the Yes!

• Communicate your deeper yes before you say ‘no.’
• Be respectful: Your deeper yes is a shield that protects your values, not a sword to be brandished at your opponent.
• Acknowledge that you may not agree and look for shared interests.
• 
  

Some tips on the No.

• Create a Plan B. Be prepared with a strategy you can implement if your ‘no’ is rejected. Which leads to the next tip...
• Don’t threaten. Neither your ‘no’ nor your Plan B is a threat; it is a confidence building move for yourself. It means you don’t have to punish the other person when things don’t go your way. You simply implement your Plan B.
• Educate. Explain the reality you see unfolding if your no is rejected.

Yes?
The process ends with a yes because what you want is for the other person to accept your ‘no,’ without closing down communication or feeling disrespected or rejected. Imagine the branches and leaves of a tree reaching out for agreement and the preservation of a relationship. 

Some tips on the Yes?

• Listen and acknowledge the other side
• Suggest a problem solving approach
• Be respectful and constructive

Let me leave with you a quote from the book The Power of a Positive No:

“Every day each of us is faced with choices, small and large, where saying Yes to one choice means having to say No to others. Only by saying No to competing demands for your time and energy can you create space for the Yeses in your life, the people and activities that really matter the most to you. Here is the paradoxical secret: you cannot truly say Yes until you can truly say No.”