The Greatest Gift

Yesterday afternoon, as my son was lying on his bed watching movies on his computer and feeling a little down about his graduation from high school, I sat in the kitchen wracking my brain for a way to show him the love and pride I felt for him. He didn't want any of the gifts that I or my ex offered him. We didn't want to just buy him any old thing to celebrate this big monumental moment in his life. It had to be special and long lasting.

I have always felt that getting a meaningful hand-written card is far more meaningful than most gifts. Have you ever been really disappointed by a gift that feels out of sync with who you are? I have felt that way about most gifts, and I think the reason is that I buy myself whatever I really want and need. What I want from my loved ones is to know that they are there for me and that they "get" me. So a card says that better than anything else.

So as I sat in my kitchen pondering what to do, I began to write a card from my heart.

I share it with you with the hope that it will inspire you to share some of your deepest thoughts with those you love. The smile and hug I received were my son's gifts to me!

My son Max: The Graduate

By Sandy Weiner, Mom and joyful witness to your growth and development

As you stand on the cusp of graduation, you are straddling two worlds~

 

Behind you lies the world of your youth, the fun, play and joy of your childhood; the angst, anger, and exploration of adolescence; and finally, the trials and triumphs of emerging adulthood.

Before you lies a world of limitless possibility, all you can imagine for yourself.

I envision for you a full life, one filled with music and self-expression through your poignant words, your art, acting and comedy.

There will be a few lucky women who will experience a thoughtful and sensitive man, a man who has the capacity to love with his big heart.

You have the gift of compassion and creativity.

Of intelligence and heart.

You know how and when to give and receive.

You are a great friend, enriching your friend's lives with your music, sense of humor, and the offer of a bed to sleep on and a meal to eat.

I trust your ability to make good decisions for yourself and for others.

I have witnessed your resourcefulness and sense of what's 'right' when faced with tough dilemmas and peer pressure.

You are a fierce seeker of truth, and are willing to speak your mind in defense of what’s real and important to the integrity of who you are at your core.

I am lucky to be your mom, and my mom-wish is that we never lose the closeness that we have forged. I cherish the honest and open-hearted conversations that are so precious to me.

I know that you will go forward into the next phase of your life with good grace, integrity and the tremendous amount of creativity that you bring to whatever you do, whether it is art, music, writing, acting, comedy or something that you haven’t yet discovered, the world is a much better place with you in it!

All my love,

Your loving mother

 

Crying Tears of Joy

My children have called me the "rock" (not to be confused with Dwayne Johnson) because I don't cry easily. I grew up thinking that crying was a sign of being a victim and feeling sorry for myself. As an adult, I now understand that there are different kinds of tears. The kind that I want to foster in myself are an expression of sadness or joy. 

I think I've got the joy kind of tears down pat. This morning, I clicked on a youtube video that had me sobbing and smiling at the same time. My heart did a little happy happy joy joy dance in my chest as I watched this: KarmaTube: Sound of Music Train Station.

I don't want to ruin it for you, so I will just say please watch it and let me know what you think.

Stumbling Your Way to Success

I am so fed up with perfection! It has a nasty way of getting in the way of plunging in, getting started, or moving forward. So many clients are avoiding doing the work of their dreams because of the fear that they don't have all the pieces lined up just right yet. Or maybe they have all their ducks in a row, and the location isn't right or the background music is not perfect, or the stars are not lined up. Whatever is getting in the way, it is blocking your way to a juicy and vibrant life.

As Winston Churchill famously said,

 “Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”

So, how to move from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm? 

1) Throw some spaghetti! I learned this great expression in coaching school. Throw some spaghetti against a wall and if some of it sticks, go for it! Whatever falls off is not 

meant to be.

2) Find the positive in everything: Ask yourself, what did I learn from this failure? What was great about trying? What am I proud of?

3) Celebrate your wins: We often forget to be joyous when we have success. It is so easy to bypass success and move right on to what's next. 

Take the time to celebrate what went RIGHT!

4) Expect ugliness: In order to live an exciting and fulfilling life, we must stumble and fall. It doesn't always look pretty. And that's just perfect! For without failures, we might all be living safe and humdrum lives. 

5) Laugh out loud and often: If we can't laugh at ourselves, who will? Laughing when we trip up is a form of self-acceptance, and I encourage you to laugh! It's so much better than the alternative.

What will you joyously risk today? 

Let's celebrate our failures together.

Saying "I'm Disappointed in You"

How do you express your disappointment in someone without hurting their feelings? Don't you have the right to say how you feel when someone has hurt your feelings? 

Yesterday, while learning with a young twelve-year old girl in preparation for her Bat Mitzvah, we spoke about overcoming our fears. She cited a personal example of her fear of a teacher who often hands back papers to the students for a do-over. She tells the student that he/she could do better. And my young Bat Mitzvah girl is afraid to do poorly in this class. She said that the message behind the teacher's words is "I am disappointed in you. Go back and do better."  

"What if I already did my best?" asked my young friend. "What if I can't do any better?"

Many of us can recall a person who expressed their disappointment in us. Usually it was a parent or another authority figure. I remember feeling like I wasn't good enough, and I felt blamed and filled with shame for my disappointing behavior. And like my eighteen-year-old son likes to tell me, "Nothing good can come out of that."

How to express disappointment?

1) Ask yourself, "What is my intention?" a) Do I want to make the other person feel bad? or 

b) Do I want to connect to the other person? Do I really believe in that person rising to their beautiful essence? 

2) If your intention is is b) then speak to the other person about your belief in what is possible for them. 

3) Ask them how they felt hearing you say how much you believe in them.

4) Give them choice. Ask if they would like to do something over, or improve upon it? Ask what it might give THEM to do that, not what it would give YOU if they are pleasing you.

5) Leave them alone to make that choice.

Please feel free to share any personal experiences with expressing disappointment and how you handled it. And if you have any questions about a do-over, I am here to help!

Building Bridges: Communication Skill Building

I just spent a lovely weekend with friends in Greenwich, CT. Friday night, we ate a delicious meal on the patio outdoors, lulled by the soothing sound of three man-made waterfalls. I sat next to an interesting man, and after a glass of wine, we began speaking freely about our children.

He has a twelve-year-old son whom he is raising mostly on his own. As a single dad of a first time adolescent, he is pained by the distance that has recently come between them. He told me of an incident that occurred that afternoon, when he took off work early to come to school and pick up his son. He found the boy playing football in the hot sun, and asked him to get in the car so he could drive him home. "I don't want to go home now! I am having fun with my friends. I want to walk home!" shouted the boy. "But I left work early to come and get you", answered Dad. "It's hot out and my car is air-conditioned. I miss you." said Dad.

The exchange did not end well, the father feeling hurt and rejected, and the boy feeling angry at having his fun and independence interrupted.

At dinner Friday night, I gave dad a few pointers:

1) Figure out what you were feeling and needing at the 

time of the argument

2) Give yourself empathy for your emotional pain

3) Guess at what your son might have been 

feeling and needing

4) Begin a dialogue with him with empathy 

and an open-heart

5) Once your son feels heard and understood, 

only then can you express what 

YOU were feeling and needing

6) Together, brainstorm some new ways of dealing 

with the emerging independence of your adolescent, 

where both of your needs will be met.

A relationship is a living thing. At every age and stage, we must redesign our alliances. Only then can we hope for compassionate communication. 

Right now, I am offering an intro to Communication Skill Building. If you sign up by midnight EST on May 27, you will be eligible for four 1/2 hour skill building sessions on communication for only $100. I am only offering this to the first ten people who sign up. These sessions will be conducted by phone. Sign up here if you are interested. 

Here's to compassionate communication this Holiday Weekend. Have fun and keep the peace!

Visual Journal Workshop

Six women of all ages and stages gathered together last night for my visual journal workshop. One woman thought she was coming to a painting workshop and was surprised to find that there was no paint. She ended up adding value to the group with the perspective of an older woman who had just learned to respect herself more by saying "NO" more often. A recently divorced woman who was in total overwhelm admitted that she doesn't say "NO" enough, that somehow it comes out "ON".

My takeaway from the evening: It is important for women to take stock of what's working in their lives. In general, we nurture so many people. We feel responsible for our children, our spouses, sometimes our siblings and parents and friends. And the downside to all of this nurturing is that we are often not taking care of ourselves. And when we get sick and run down, who is there to nurture us?

Four Ways to Nurture Yourself:

1) Learn to stop and think before saying "YES" to anything

2) Ask yourself, "Will this add to my fulfillment? Will it drain me?"

3) Take time every day to reflect on your day.

4) Celebrate the ordinary, every day miracles in your life.

What will you take off your plate today that will add to your fulfillment and joy in life?

Rodger McFarlane and My Father

Yesterday afternoon, while driving my dad to the orthopedist, I turned on NPR to drown out dad's incessant rumination and depressed conversation. Terry Gross replayed a 1998 interview of Rodger McFarlane, the Aids activist who who wrote The Complete Bedside Companion: A No-Nonsense Guide to Caring for the Seriously Ill. Roger took his life yesterday at the age of 54. You can listen here to the interview. His words helped me to see my caretaker role in a whole new light.

Rodger McFarlane grew up in a home where he and his brother were emotionally and physically abused by his mother and other relatives. His dad turned away and in his passivity, was abusive as well. When his father developed lymphoma, Rodger chose to become his primary caretaker. And through this process, although he could never fully forgive his dad, he healed the relationship and was able to have closure. 

He spoke about his experience as a caretaker to the terminally ill, those unable to care for themselves. Whether it was Aids, Alzheimers, Cancer, or any other illness, advocating for those who can't advocate for themselves is extremely powerful. No matter how un-fairy tale-like your relationship with that person was, it is profound to care for those who can't care for themselves.

It was in that moment that I released my disappointment in not having the fairy tale dream of a strong father figure who had guided me in life. Although I had willingly chosen to be my father's primary medical advocate and caretaker, I still had a hard time giving from my heart to the father who I couldn't relate to on many levels, the depressed and stuck and narrow-minded man who was not my teacher or my guide. At least not in the way that I imagined a father "should" be. 

I know that my dad gave me love and warmth, told great stories about Wimpy from the Popeye cartoon, and was a great provider of all things childish, such as candy, ice cream, and toys. He was incapable of giving much more than that. So I learned what not to do, how not to be stuck, depressed, feel like I can't do things in life. I learned that life is too short to put things off. I learned the value of saying "I love you" to my children and my parents. It's not enough to just know that we love each other. Saying it out loud is an affirmation of that love.

So, thank you Rodger McFarlane, for being an exemplary role model for caregiving, selflessness, and virtue. Although I never knew you in life, you have inspired me in the way that you lived your life.

My Son, The Troubadour

Last night was my son Max's Senior Dinner. I was kind of dreading what I imagined would be a boring and unhealthy dinner, so I decided not to cancel my plans to meet two of my dearest friends for a light dinner earlier that evening. 

I have a pretty low regard for this high school, which two of my children attended. For the last eight years, I have tried to convince my kids to transfer to a more challenging and creative high school, and even though my kids ultimately did not like the school, they chose to stay.

I sat a table with some friends and the speeches began. Teachers were assigned a student or two to give a short speech about. Many of the speeches were degrading; "Student X never went to class. It is a miracle that he is graduating. I can't believe the building is still standing." A few teachers got it right, though, and one of them was Max's Math teacher. Considering that Math is Max's worst subject, I was curious as to what this teacher would say. "Max failed the Math final, but he is a nice kid?" 

The Math teacher blew me away. He defined Max as the ultimate Troubadour, a renaissance man talented in music, art, acting, comedy. He cited specific examples as to how Max has come through for the school, in particular over Chanukah when the class went to entertain children with physical and mental challenges at a Children's Rehab Center. Max improvised and played guitar while the Math teacher played piano. A good time was had by all!

What warmed my heart is that Max was finally being recognized in school for his talents and his heart. He has often been misunderstood by his teachers. He has been labeled as defiant, disorganized, and lazy. I would say he was bored and discouraged. He is leaving the school with his head held high, his confidence in tact, and his future a bright star.

It is so important to me that our children be recognized and supported for what is positive and possible, not criticized for what they are not. People expand into their highest self, and are not motivated by negative judgments. 

Acknowledge a child today for the light you see in him/her. Help to spark their inner glow!

My Mother/My Mirror

Last night I attended a lecture entitled "My Mother, My Mirror: Recognizing and Making the Most of Inherited Self-Images" by Dr. Laura Arens Fuerstein.

I have spent much of my life differentiating and learning from my mother. It's a sifting process, what to keep, what to toss. One of my biggest takeaways from the evening was Dr. Fuerstein's reference to the distorted carnival mirror through which most of us see ourselves. How many of us have a distorted self-image? A negative sense of self? Many of those distortions come from our mother/daughter relationships. 

When we look at how our mother saw herself as we were growing up, her body image, how she formed relationships (healthy? destructive?), whether or not she was able to take pleasure in life, we can gain insight into how our self-image was formed. 

Here are two questions to ask yourself:

1) Are you fulfilled?

2) Do you see yourself in a distorted carnival mirror?

If the answer is no to number one, and yes to number two, she suggests that:

1) We look at our own mother's self-image as an answer to our own. Look through old photos of mom. Was she happy? 

2) Separate yourself from mom and get in touch with difficult feelings about her. What are the triggers that you are still responding to?

I suggest that you journal about these thoughts. You learn so much through journaling. 

I am about to launch my new series, Nurturing the Nurturer: A Visual Journal Workshop. In this workshop, we will pay close attention to what fulfills us and what drains us. By using the visual as well as the written word, we will be accessing more of our right brain, the place where our inner wisdom lies. As we unleash this inner knowing, we are freeing our limiting beliefs and getting in touch with our hidden potential. 

In my opinion, this is where self-image is boosted, in finding the success and wisdom that lies hidden in us all!

What will you journal about?

Don't Eat the Marshmallow

Do you ever have something that keeps popping up in your life, over and over? Recently, I read a newsletter that someone sent me,  the next day I saw a video post on Facebook, and the following day a friend mentioned the article her mother had read in the New Yorker, all referring to the marshmallow experiment of the sixties.

Research that was just published in this week's New Yorker magazine (May 18, 2009) challenges the long held notion of what develops success in adulthood. Jonah Lehrer, in his article "Don't," interviewed Walter Mischel, a Stanford University professor of psychology, on his fascinating experiments with marshmallows.

In the 1960s, in a nursery school/laboratory, Mischel did a series of experiments with young children to see who would be able to resist eating a marshmallow immediately for the gift of two marshmallows a few minutes later. The researcher would leave the room to allow the child more freedom in acting on impulse or waiting. Most children, not surprisingly, immediately consumed their marshmallow.  The children who waited engaged in many tactics to resist the temptation. Some covered their eyes or turned around so that they wouldn't have to see this fluffy white mound of sugary seduction.

And it worked. Their patience was rewarded. Mischel went back to the students he researched decades later to see how they were doing in life and arrived at some startling conclusions. In the words of Jonah Lehrer:

For decades, psychologists have focused on raw intelligence as the most important variable when it comes to predicting success in life. Mischel argues that intelligence is largely at the mercy of self-control; Even the smartest kids still need to do their homework. "What we're really measuring with the marshmallows isn't will power or self-control... It's much more important than that. This task forces kids to find a way to make the situation work for them." 

 
The waiting is not as important as the strategy that the child employs to delay immediate gratification for larger and ultimately more gratifying benefits. That shows intelligence. 

In these recessional times, it is really important to remember the old adage that "good things come to those who wait".  I am a firm believer in the rewards of having hope for a better day or a better outcome. Much of my success lies in my ability to be resourceful and avoid the temptation of a short term gain that might take me away from long term benefits.

When faced with tough life challenges, it can be difficult to have faith that good things will be on the horizon. What helps is to have a clear focus on what you want. I believe in visual aids, and have led workshops on vision boards to stay focused on what you are creating in your life.

What strategies have you used to stay focused?

The Problem With Saying Yes When You Mean NO!

There is a real art in saying "no". Many of us are raised with the idea that we need to make everyone happy. This "people pleasing" fallacy has led to many uncomfortable and unhappy people. One of my clients came to me yesterday with this very problem.

She had made a much-anticipated lunch plan with a good friend, an amendment to a relationship that had fallen a bit to the wayside. That morning, her husband called and told her that he found himself with some free time before a trip and was available for lunch. She explained that although she would love to see him, she had already made plans with a friend. He said that was fine, he would just stay a little while and would she please order a cheeseburger for him? Not wanting to hurt his feelings by pressing the matter further, she then phoned her friend and explained the situation. Her friend, who was afraid to express her true feelings about the change in plans said, "Fine!" with an underlying passive/aggressive anger.

Needless to say, lunch didn't go so well for anyone, and all parties were left uncomfortable and unhappy. The husband felt that his wife didn't love him enough to put him first. The friend felt that her friendship didn't matter enough to take priority, and the wife felt that she said yes to her husband when she meant no and had a big stomachache at the end of lunch.

My good friend and colleague, Pearl Mattenson, wrote about the power of saying "no" in her newsletter this month. Read her full post here. I have excerpted some of the article for this post:

Some tips on the Yes!

• Communicate your deeper yes before you say ‘no.’
• Be respectful: Your deeper yes is a shield that protects your values, not a sword to be brandished at your opponent.
• Acknowledge that you may not agree and look for shared interests.
• 
  

Some tips on the No.

• Create a Plan B. Be prepared with a strategy you can implement if your ‘no’ is rejected. Which leads to the next tip...
• Don’t threaten. Neither your ‘no’ nor your Plan B is a threat; it is a confidence building move for yourself. It means you don’t have to punish the other person when things don’t go your way. You simply implement your Plan B.
• Educate. Explain the reality you see unfolding if your no is rejected.

Yes?
The process ends with a yes because what you want is for the other person to accept your ‘no,’ without closing down communication or feeling disrespected or rejected. Imagine the branches and leaves of a tree reaching out for agreement and the preservation of a relationship. 

Some tips on the Yes?

• Listen and acknowledge the other side
• Suggest a problem solving approach
• Be respectful and constructive

Let me leave with you a quote from the book The Power of a Positive No:

“Every day each of us is faced with choices, small and large, where saying Yes to one choice means having to say No to others. Only by saying No to competing demands for your time and energy can you create space for the Yeses in your life, the people and activities that really matter the most to you. Here is the paradoxical secret: you cannot truly say Yes until you can truly say No.”

Is My Teenager an Alien?

Yesterday, I went to my 8th grade daughter's school to watch her tennis team play a few matches. When I arrived, carrying the large bag of snacks that she had requested, she informed me that not only was she not playing on the team, she didn't even want to watch the game! I had just driven a half hour to find that out. And I wasn't too happy. 

Suppressing my urge to lecture her (ie: yell and scream), I went across the street to a friend for an iced tea and some lively conversation. After about a half hour, my daughter phoned me to please pick her up. On our way home, I told her that I bought her a great camera for her graduation gift. Her response was, "You bought the Panasonic and not the Canon? It figures, you buy what you want, not what I want!!" She then went into a whole tirade about how cheap I am, always trying to save money.

Here's what I was feeling: Angry, unappreciated, disrespected. I'm not sure what she was feeling because she stopped talking to me for the last twenty minutes of our drive. I am guessing that she might have been feeling angry, unappreciated and disrespected. Hey, those are the same values as mine!!!

Which is probably why we lock horns so often. It's also because she is 14 and her hormones cause her to have Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde mood swings. And the bottom line is that her most important value is choice. She wants to choose when, where, and how to do almost everything. Which presents a problem for me. Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of choice. I spent most of my teen years wanting to be respected for my choices. It's just that I am also the mom, and we are a family, and many of our choices need to be in respect to what's best for the family while honoring each individual.

By the way, she just came over to my house (she slept at her dad's last night), and acted as if nothing had happened yesterday (more Jeckyll and Hyde). She gave me a kiss and hug. Huh? Exactly! 

How to work out issues with your teen (or any adult displaying adolescent behavior):

1. Time is a great healer. If you don't trust what might come out of your mouth, it's probably best to say nothing for a while.

2. Breathe. This is way under-rated. Take lots of cleansing breaths.

3. Positive self-talk. The whole way home from school, while I sat seething in silence and breathing my cleansing breaths, I told myself, "You are a good mother. You take good care of your children. She will come around..."

4. When things are calm, talk it out. This is tricky with my daughter. She wants to keep most conversations to a few lines, like a text message. That's fine. Don't lecture. 

5. Listen carefully to what is going on for your teen.

6. Reflect back that you understand what they are saying.

7. Make a request of your teen for future altercations.

I plan to have my text talk tonight and listen carefully to her needs. I will then express mine. 

And then make her clean her room. It is a pig sty!!!!!

Inspired by a Grandma and a Teenager

Yesterday, I posed this powerful question to my readers: "If you had unlimited time and resources, what would you be doing with your life right now?"

I got several thoughtful responses. My cousin in Israel wrote about family: "I'd love to be spending more time with my granddaughters--the few hours I spend with each "cluster" of them truly enriches my life=I get so much from that special time. Perhaps I'm making up what I didn't do when their parents were their ages (set aside time and attention just for them)."

My 18-year-old son wrote me (from down the hall) late last night, "I told you that I would probably be writing music if I had limitless time. This is partially true. I would get organized, take care of the more important things in my life, and then when I had leisure time, I would choose that time to write and compose more music.  I want to start over again, and I want to really concentrate on making a career out of it. I appreciate you so much, and I am extremely happy that your booth got such raving reviews last night. As always, I love you so much."

I am blown away by the wisdom of my thoughtful teenage son. What he doesn't yet know is that his music is already beautiful and very moving. He inspires me with his dedication to his music. He epitomizes full expression from the soul, through his music, his writing, his art, and his ability to communicate to his friends and family.

What I learn from my son is to never stop seeking your truth, and to appreciate where you are in the moment.

I want to end this post with an inspirational video sent to me by my friend who is in her 70's and lives an inspirational life. Be inspired and enjoy the ride!

http://www.lshs64.com/enjoytheride.html

Soul Paint

Last night, at an event entitled "Spa for the Soul", I ran a booth that I called, "Soul Paint". I witnessed resistance and the beauty of letting go over and over as I lead a mini-workshop on painting from the soul. My workshops usually last two hours, so I wasn't sure how five minutes could give women a taste of the wonder of soul painting. 

After a lot of thinking and head scratching, my coach and I came up with a way for women to quickly connect to their source. My booth had two painting stations. Each women visiting my booth could choose between an array of ten tempera paint colors with which to paint a 9" X 11" piece of watercolor paper. 

Here's how they quickly connected to their source: The women chose from a bowl of powerful questions printed on small pieces of folded up paper, like a fortune from a fortune cookie. They would read the question to themselves and then paint their answer.

Here are some of the takeaways on my evaluation forms:

 "I learned that I want to listen more, to myself, my children, my spouse, and the children in my classroom."

"It was great to take a moment to celebrate me... and let me think about what makes me me!" 

"I learned the value of releasing inhibitions and letting go of self-consciousness."

"Cheerful possibilities will open up for me!"

"Non-judgment reminder!"

"It's okay to want to find your true core!"

"Life has no limits!"

I am deeply moved by the power of believing in your own inner wisdom and letting go of judgment. 

Do you have five minutes to spare today? I invite you to spend five minutes with yourself to answer the following question by journaling, painting, dancing, or engaging in whatever form of self-expression that you choose. Here's your question of the day: If I had unlimited resources and time, what would I be doing with my life right now?

I would love to hear what comes up for you!