We have moved!!!!!

My blog has officially moved to my new website, and can be found here: http://www.abiggerpond.com/carrots-eggs-or-coffee-which-one-are-you/. I will post a few more times from blogger, but am so excited to launch A Bigger Pond. Please visit and let me know what you think!

xoxo,

Sandy

Reflection on the Day of Atonement

When I was young, I used to dread Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. It represented hardship to me. No eating or drinking for 25 hours. I remember the withdrawal pains, how me and my friends used to smell gum wrappers and candy bars and reminisce about the joys of eating.

Today, my approach to Yom Kippur is much more spiritual. I don't really miss food. Okay, maybe a cup of coffee would be a nice way to start the day and stave off a possible headache, but I have been weaning myself off of coffee for the last two days, so that shouldn't be a problem.

As an adult, I appreciate the higher level of meaning that is relevant to living a deeper and more meaningful life. One of the concepts that is particularly pertinent to me is that we get the chance to self-reflect and be absolved of past sins. We get to end this day with a clean slate, and can create an intention for how we want to live our lives from this day forth.

When we take responsibility for what we are creating, with each encounter, every decision we make, every thought we have, action we take, we have a chance to live a more authentic life, one where we are not victims but active participants, no matter how tough the going gets.

On this Yom Kippur eve, I wish for all my friends and family, Jewish or otherwise, a year of abundant blessings, happiness, and emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. Enjoy creating your amazing life!

Tighten the Boundaries, Broaden the Love

I have a new parenting plan for my 14 year old daughter. I think it is a great plan for any relationship, business, social, parenting, whatever. So, I am sharing it with you and would like to know what you think.

I sat down with a teacher of mine yesterday after a very spiritually uplifting class on the High Holidays. I respect her wisdom, and thought she would be a good one to seek out advice on parenting my very challenging, push the limits, back-talking, shut me out, daughter. Here's what she said (in a nutshell):

1) Tighten the boundaries. Let her know the expectations I have, and be clear. For example, to avoid the power struggle around computer abuse, tell her the computer needs to be out of her room by ten each night.

2) Broaden the love. Build in more positive interactions with her. Tell her I'd like to take her to see a great movie over the weekend. I did that last night and she seemed interested, in her far off, detached teenage mumbly manner.

3) Engage in less explaining. Stop telling her why I am doing the things I do that she disagrees with. She sees me as whiny when I do that. She doesn't care. I do. Drop it!

4) Let go of what isn't essentially important. Prioritize for the big picture, and let go of the minutiae. I'm workin' on that!

That's pretty much it. Plain and simple. So, I made a list for myself about what I wanted to create here in my home. I discussed my bottom line with her. I suggested the movie. And then I let go. Of expectations. Of hurt feelings. And I feel so much more at peace.

How can you apply these same principles to another relationship in your life?

Look How Far You've Come

My client came to the call yesterday exhausted and overwhelmed. Seven months pregnant and suffering from Vertigo and low iron, her energy level was way off. She began the call focused on what wasn't working in her life. What was remarkable to me is that she was missing a noteworthy victory that she had orchestrated that week. She was so focused on what wasn't going well that she missed what was working.

How often do we focus on the missing pieces, what we haven't yet accomplished? How much time do we spend beating ourselves up for what we did wrong or didn't make time for?

What I know for sure is that when we focus our energy on what is working well, we are much happier. Our self-esteem rises a few notches. We feel we can accomplish even more, and we are forward-driven instead of stuck and grumpy.

I let my client vent for a few minutes yesterday, but it would not have served her to whine and complain for longer than that. I quickly reframed what she had accomplished that week. I acknowledged the grace and intelligence that she consistently applies to any difficult challenge. And I let her know how amazing she is for sticking to her clear values even when times are challenging, even when it goes against the status quo.

She left the call upbeat and excited to move towards her resonant goals. She has such a breadth of capabilities, and she can easily lose sight of them. I reminded her that whenever she feels distraught, she need only look at what she accomplished this past week. It was a stellar example of the strong values that comprise the unique human that she is.

While it's important to reflect on what didn't work in life, I believe it's only good to look there if the purpose is to learn and grow and move forward. Otherwise you stay stuck. And stuck stinks!

Spend some time today in reflection of how far you've come. List five remarkable things you accomplished this year. Share them here if you like. I would love to celebrate with you!

The Steps In-Between

Here's my current greatest challenge: How do I slow down and take the in-between steps to get from where I am to where I want to be? I get really excited at the beginning of any relationship. I see hope and possibility. I can meet a guy and within a week, I imagine walking down the aisle with him. I can connect with someone at a party or a networking event and imagine what I can do for them, my future clients. I can picture their lives filled with passion and purpose. All the lost souls, creative but not creating, keeping busy but not fulfilled. I can visualize their resonant future in our first encounter.

So, will the guy I meet be my husband? Probably not. Will the person I met at the party become my client? Probably not. But here's the magic word: NOW. Probably not NOW. Maybe down the line. The key is in building a relationship, whether it's with a man, a client or my children. Just because I have a vision for your future doesn't mean you are there yet.

I am working on tempering my initial excitement and setting the foundation to build the important relationships in my life.

Meeting the right people is the first step.

Staying connected in some way is step number two.

Making it work is down the line, steps number three, four, five and six.

Here's how I will make that happen at work.

1) I will continue to get myself out of my familiar surroundings so that I meet more people and open up my world.

2) I will continue to connect to the people I meet in a meaningful and honest way.

3) I will build relationships through subscribers to my monthly newsletter and my daily blog, and through offerings for workshops and public speaking engagements.

When someone is ready to coach one-on-one, they are making a big commitment. It is not realistic to commit to something without first building a relationship and credibility. I will continue putting my heart and soul into doing what I love, and the right relationships will build. Without the foundation, relationships will crumble. I want to be in relationship with people with whom I have built a strong foundation. And that requires patience and time.

How do you build and sustain your relationships?

My Aching Tooth: Another Reality Check

Sunday night I couldn't sleep. My back tooth was throbbing, a pain like never before radiated through my jaw. This is bad news, I thought. An infection for sure. At 7:00 AM, I phoned the dentist and by 5:00, I had part one of a root canal.

This morning, I am feeling a tiny bit better. I am on antibiotics and they are helping the infection. Whatever the Endodontist did to my nerve helped relieve the worst pain. Now I can finally reflect on what this all means in my big life picture.

The first thing that comes to mind is that my toothache was sent to me to learn humility and compassion. My dad was with me for the Rosh Hashanah Holiday this past weekend, and he was suffering from his own tooth problems. He had five teeth extracted, and his new denture was so uncomfortable that he could not chew. I had empathy the first few times he spoke about his pain, but lost patience sometime during the Friday night meal. I couldn't hear it anymore, as my dad has a tendency to ruminate and repeat and lament the past. It was making me CRAZY! So, I politely asked that he not discuss his tooth problem at the table. My 21 year old daughter reprimanded me for not having patience for my dad, saying it was okay for him to say whatever he wanted. I felt that she was undermining me, which triggered me to lash out at her. Let's just say it wasn't my proudest moment.

When my tooth started to ache two days later, I immediately thought of my dad. I could have been more kind and loving to him. I did take good care of him throughout the weekend, but his repetitiveness can grate on my nerves. I think that I am being called to do the internal work necessary to have more patience. It is where my life keeps pointing me, and it's a lesson well taken.

Last night, when my 14 year old did not ask me once how I was feeling, I realized how much I needed empathy. I told her how much pain I had been in, and she politely said that she couldn't really hear it. She said, "Mom, remember how you couldn't listen to Zaidy (my dad) talk about his teeth anymore. I feel the same way." Ouch, what goes around comes around!

So, with humility, I will admit that I need to work on patience, compassion, and giving even when it feels hard. I will try really hard to keep my ego in check so that I can be more open to what other people need.

What reality check have you recently had? What did you learn from it?

Repair, Build, and Beautify

I spent the last two days in synagogue praying for a good year, one filled with an abundance of good health, prosperity, peace, wisdom, and well-being. Rosh Hashanah is a time for reflection. A time for repair. A time to make peace with our fellow man, our inner selves, and our G-d.

We are called to conscience with the 100 blasts of the 'shofar', or rams horn. The root word for shofar is the same as my Hebrew name, Shifrah. It is a name I always found harsh, not really suitable for my personality. The hard f sound irked me. But I recently found out something about my name that changed my perspective.

The root word shefer means to beautify, repair and build. Just as a shofar's job is to help repair, build and beautify us every year as we begin again with a clean slate, I feel it is my life purpose to repair, build, and beautify whether I am painting a battered and neglected piece of furniture and breathing new life into it, or working with a coaching client on building a better life, repairing past damage one step at a time, beautifying by bringing out the inner gem that lies within each of them.

Every day, I look for the hidden meaning in life's challenges, work on repairing damaged relationships, treasuring life's gifts. It's not always so easy. There are many struggles; I lose my cool, my anger is something that I need to work on. The important thing is that I keep moving forward with hope, knowing that there is almost always another chance.

Over the Holiday weekend, I began to slowly repair the distance that was growing between myself and my 14 year old daughter. She stopped elbowing my head as I bent down to kiss her goodnight. She actually held my hand one night and fell asleep with her arm around me. I feel hopeful that this will be a positive week with better communication and peace.

So, it turns out that I was named 'Shifra' for a very good reason. I can't think of a better Hebrew name for me! Sometimes, if we give things enough time and change our perspective, we can learn to appreciate what we once found offensive. I did it with my name, now I must learn to apply that same lesson to the rest of my life.

What do you find offensive that could use a perspective shift?

A Big Gulp

Tuesday morning, my coach, Jane and I discussed my next big step in my career, launching into public speaking. There are always first steps to any big transformation, and I knew mine was to go to a Toastmasters meeting and practice speaking in front of small groups.

At a networking luncheon later that day, I met a woman who was going to be attending a local Toastmasters that night, and she invited me to come along. That was all the encouragement I needed to jump right in, and at 7:00 PM, I found myself cautiously entering a roomful of ten strangers, clueless as to what to expect. I quickly felt at ease in this very supportive and upbeat group. They gave me a warm welcome, and I was told that I could attend as a guest and observer, not obligated to participate at all.

I relaxed and observed the many rituals of Toastmasters. There is a formality to the group that I found comforting. I like knowing that a group starts and finishes on time, and that people are timed and stick to the time alloted for their speeches. The feedback on the evaluations was positive, thorough, and thoughtful. People were there to learn and grow, and I was beginning to really enjoy this diverse and lively group.

With about a half hour left to our meeting, there was one item left on the agenda: Table Topics. This is the part of the meeting that people seem to enjoy, where members get to speak extemporaneously for two minutes on a given topic. The first topic was about changing perspective in how you look at something in life. The second was about describing something fun. The third was about imagining living on any other planet. What would that be like? And the next thing I knew, I was being called up to give that speech!

With a big gulp, I said, yes, and made my way to the front of the room, my heart beating rapidly. I did a quick mental inventory of the planets and my mind drew a blank. What could I say about Saturn? Was Pluto still a planet? I was so nervous, but as I took a deep breath, I went with my gut and began my first speech.

I spoke about living on the moon, which is not even a planet as someone informed me after my speech! But, the essence is that I spoke, I used humor, I kept my 'ums' to a minimum, and I made eye contact. I had a beginning, middle and end, and I was able to think on my feet. While I didn't come near to winning for best Table Topics speech, (there was a vote), I am so grateful for the inner courage I was able to muster in order to take my first step in public speaking.

What first steps will you take towards your big gulp?

Awakening the Warrior Within

I am entering another contest and would love your feedback. The challenge is to write a 250 word essay on coming of age, some life transforming story. I value your constructive feedback. The deadline is in two weeks. It was challenging to write only 250 words!

The delivery room nurse shoved me back onto the OR table. How dare she shield me from my baby? My inner warrior was called into action as I bolted back up. No one was going to protect me from the truth. I caught a glimpse of Avi’s thumbs dangling by a thread. “Sometimes babies are born with extra digits. I can handle that,” I thought. I had no idea of the bad news yet to come, but I wasn’t going to take it lying down!

Over the next five years, I became a fierce advocate for my sweet son. His dangling thumbs were only a minor symptom of his terminal illness, Fanconi Anemia, a disease so rare; most doctors had never heard of it. I knew if I didn’t become an expert, he wouldn’t get the care he deserved. Avi’s illness brought out an inner strength that I didn’t know I had; when others fall apart, I rise to the top. In crisis, I become infused with adrenaline, my mind becoming sharper. I will do anything to fight for the people I love.

When Avi tragically succumbed to a brain tumor shortly before his fifth birthday, I was comforted with the knowledge that I’d done all I could. Had I not been proactive, I might’ve been wracked with guilt. In times of crisis, we can only control how we show up, and I chose to be armed with my intuition, intelligence, and perseverance, qualities that continue to inform my life.

Money Doesn't Grow on Trees: Lies We Tell Ourselves About Money

I got an early morning email from a new friend who wrote about his ability to attract great sums of money into his life. He went on to say that while he has been able to earn an abundance of money, he has had trouble holding onto it. And he attributes that to his mindset around wealth, his fear, and the energy that he has attributed to both. He has shifted his energy around money and has been planning a meeting for six months, putting all the pieces together to hopefully double his income with little effort. He ended with this wisdom: Nothing wrong with huge sums of wealth, used properly and with an appreciation of the true source.

What is your relationship to money? Do you believe that money is the root of all evil? That it doesn't grow on trees? Perhaps it makes the world go 'round? A penny saved is a penny earned?

People are uneasy around the subject of money and hardly ever discuss it. How many married couples have useful and positive frank discussions about money? How many friends talk about money? What is so taboo about the subject?

Here are some of the limiting beliefs that I have personally heard and sometimes believed about money:

1) Money makes you greedy (so I will continue to live on less)

2) I will never be able to earn very much with the skills that I have (so I will continue to be dependent on others and feel powerless)

3) Everyone else has more than I have (so I will covet what they have and continue to stay small and feel powerless)

4) Most wealthy people inherit their wealth (so I will never become wealthy and will continue to stay small and powerless)

Here are some of my beliefs about money:

1) When we set our goals high, we can earn more. Attract the money you want to make

2) Focusing on our true purpose in life and getting rid of the clutter that is draining our energy can make way for greater earning power

3) Change your energy, your mindset, and your belief system around money and money will reward you.

I have had many occasions in my life when I have lost an income source and have stayed positive about it. I remained focused on what's next, what the loss of this income is making room for in my life. And sure enough, money comes to me, usually in the amount I lost or more, in some other form that I didn't expect.

What is your relationship to money? How have you repelled or attracted it into your life?

Excellent Public Speaking Tips

Yesterday's post about my dream and absolute fear of public speaking brought a lot of support from my friends. I wanted to share a particularly helpful tip, sent by a good friend who learned how to get over her fear of public speaking. It's too good a tip to keep to myself!

"I wanted to tell you something that helped me get over my fear of public speaking. I had been quite scared, and now it doesn't phase me at all. The key for me was accepting that the audience was my priority. I was so scared that I was subconsciously making myself the priority. I learned a trick about introdicing a speaker which changed my whole view of speaking in front of a large crowd. A good introduction should answer the question "Why this speaker to this group on this subject at this time?" That is what the audience cares about, They don't care about the speaker's writing process or editing process or rehearsal process. They don't care about the speaker in that way. They only care about getting something, be it amusement, information, inspiration, from you. The worst public speakers assume we, the audience, care about the fact that they agonized for weeks about what to say. In truth, your best friends and maybe your mother care, but no one else does. A good speaker just presents the topic, and personal anecdotes should relate to the topic, not the banal: "when I sat down to think about what to write..."

If you have confidence in your message, you will automatically have confidence in your physical act of speaking, so concentrate on what you want to say, make sure you know it inside and out so you are not strictly reading, and do not focus on anything else."

This brilliant advice, to get over there with the audience and not focus on my performance, is a similar lesson to the one in my post about failing my coaching exam. It was my performance anxiety that ultimately had me perform poorly. Another friend told me that he was physically ill before his first public speaking engagement, until he realized that if he singled out individuals in the audience, he would be speaking to people, not the audience as impersonal and distant. It brought the audience closer to his comfort level, and he loosened up enough to joke around and be a good speaker.

Whatever you choose to do, the key is in making the connection to the audience, making them a priority and getting out of your own way.

What have you done to overcome your fear of public speaking?

Don't Wait till Tomorrow!

Early retirement can be daunting. Some would not recognize themselves without their job to identify them. Not my Israeli cousin, Shoshana,who was forced to retire early from her banking job. She is filling her life with her beautiful granddaughters, taking classes, and volunteering as a teacher. She swims, sometimes twice a day. And she sounds happier than ever!

"After 34 years with the same employer I feel as if a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. In retrospect I truly cannot believe that I functioned in this tedious routine and still managed to raise a family that anyone would be proud of.

Bottom line: retirement is great and I thank (the bank and) G-d that it was offerred to me when I have my health and strength and am able to take advantage of it."

I am reminded of what my family does when we move from home to home. Many of you have probably experienced the "house-on-the-market" syndrome? My house never looked better than when I was selling it. Suddenly, we painted, fixed, scrubbed, straightened up like never before. Our house was neat and organized and beautiful. Why do we wait until the end to do what needs to be done all along? Why not live every day as if you were moving/retiring?

What are you waiting for? What's holding you back from living this way every day?

In the past two weeks, two people I know were taken from this world in their fifties. These tragic early deaths were another reminder to me to live life fully every day. To set resonant goals and work towards them every single day. To not push off till tomorrow. To set priorities. I don't want to look back and say I wish I hugged my kids more, or I wish I talked and listened to them more often and guided them better. I never want to say I wish I had the guts to take more risks.

I want to rock this world, and I want to do it every day.

Today, I am writing new copy for my spanking new soon to be released website and working on my first speech, the one I will recite when I begin the next step in my career, becoming a public speaker. I am petrified to speak publicly, and that is why I know it's the right thing for me to do! It will take guts as I am breaking out of my comfort zone. What works for me is taking one step at a time to reach the top of my dreams. My first step is almost always announcing something to the public. There, I just took my first step!

If I don't take that first step, I will never know what it is like at the summit.

What rocks your world?

What steps will you take today towards living your dream?

A Bigger Pond

Robert K. Cooper is a powerful motivational speaker. I was lucky enough to hear him yesterday at the Westport Country Playhouse in Westport, Connecticut. Robert "is the New York Times bestselling author of The Other 90%: How to Unlock Your Vast Untapped Potential for Leadership and Life. His forthcoming leadership book is Get Out of Your Own Way: The 5 Keys to Surpassing Everyone’s Expectations(Crown Business)."

I walked away from the three hour lecture totally pumped, ready to take his wisdom back to my Life Coach practice. Here are some nuggets from the lecture that I think you might appreciate.

If you really want to make an impact in this world, ask yourself the following questions:

1) Why am I here?

2) How can I make a difference to others?

I am guessing that you are probably someone who wants to play a bigger game in life. This is concept lies at the core of the work that I do with clients. In order to stop playing small and reach your potential in life, Mr. Cooper suggested the following:

1) Elevate your vantage point. In other words, keep changing the perspective from which you are looking out at the world. Change is good to keep ideas and thoughts fresh.

2) Deepen your view. Whatever you sense, feel, and see, deepen it, go further. This will also help you to renew yourself.

3) Collaborate. In order to do things differently and with more impact, get feedback from someone you see as a mentor. Hire a coach, get feedback (or as he says, feedforward, positive feedback!) from co-workers, take in their good advice and learn new behaviors.

Hiring a coach, I believe, is one of the best ways to begin to play a bigger game. A coach can help you break bad habits, learn new behaviors, set and keep resonant goals, and live from a place of passion every day.

If you are courageous enough to commit to living up to your potential, leave a comment here. I am ready to dialogue with you! I want to help you achieve what others think you can't. Let's talk about how you can be a bigger fish in a bigger pond.

The Gift of Failure

I finally finished my essay for the Real Simple magazine contest. I have attached it below and would love your feedback!

The Gift of Failure

by Sandy Weiner

With trembling hands and heart beating wildly in my chest, I stood holding the letter from the Coaches Training Institute. If I passed my oral exam, I would be holding a congratulatory letter. If I failed, the envelope would contain a CD recording of my phone coaching session and a letter describing the rescheduling process.

A week earlier, I had taken my oral exam, the last step in completing certification as a Life Coach. For two years, I had worked hard to become a coach with integrity, authentically integrating what I learned in class and applying it to my work and my life. My decision to become a Life Coach was the result of an ‘awakening’ as I emerged from a twenty-three year failed marriage into my new life as a single divorced woman. Tired of merely surviving and staying small, I was ready to live a vibrant and passionate life, realizing my full potential, and I wanted to help others do the same through my work.

I was heartbroken when I opened the envelope and found out that I didn’t pass the exam. It was challenging for me to get through my day as an art teacher at the summer sleep-away camp where I work every summer. I was also lucky that I could become immersed in my job, happy for the distraction of a busy afternoon.

Later that evening, alone in the quiet of my room, my failure hit me hard. I can become very uncomfortable with extreme emotions, and occasionally side-step really important feelings in order to get on with my life. That may work in the short run, but in the long haul, it catches up with me and takes its toll.

As I sat in my room ready to experience whatever I was feeling, anger bubbled to the surface. I was angry with myself for not passing; mad at the hundreds of dollars it would cost me to repeat the exam. I blamed the examiner who could have cut me some slack. I was feeling helpless and stuck, and with my next breath, I breathed in my shame. I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. So many had counted on me to pass my exam. What would they think of me? A few deep breaths later, I realized that these were only thoughts, stuff I was making up in my head. I swallowed my pride and began the difficult process of calling my loved ones to tell them that I failed. It took more courage to tell people I didn’t feel as safe with, but I mustered up the courage to expose my failure, determined to learn and grow from the experience. The act of speaking about it made it much less embarrassing, and people were very supportive.

Ultimately, I realized that it was my performance anxiety that held me back from being fully connected with my examiners. I was so busy worrying about being a smart masterful coach that I got in my own way. I was so self-conscious that I became less conscious of the person I was coaching. I made it more about my performance than my connection. And that is lousy coaching! It’s definitely not indicative of the kind of coach I am capable of being.

My performance anxiety goes way back to elementary school when I wouldn’t raise my hand for fear of being wrong. I was so quiet and shy that my concerned parents took me to a Psychiatrist to make sure I was okay. Turns out that I was bright, just afraid of being embarrassed in public for making a mistake. This self-sabotaging behavior has kept me small and safe for most of my life, but failing my exam was about to shock me out of this limiting behavior and launch me into a very important passage of life.

Nearly a week after opening that fateful letter, I was already looking at the bright side of failure, proactive and learning from my mistakes. I had rescheduled the exam so that it would be just a few weeks away. I found an amazing new coach who began helping me deal with my performance anxiety and my self-judging saboteur.

Most importantly, I accessed my deepest core, my creative artistic self, as part of my healing. The night that I found out that I did not pass the exam, I went into the ceramics room at camp. I took a blob of clay and set it before me. I deliberately chose not to make a functional piece, which was a stretch for me, the super-practical, everything-must-have-meaning artist. I once heard that Michelangelo would stare at a piece of stone until the form would reveal itself. I, too, spent some time staring at my blob until suddenly I knew what I needed to create. And I began to reveal my saboteur hiding in the clay. I first created an image of a screaming face with hollow eyes. And then the face began to change. The eyes became angrier, the mouth widened. The face transformed over and over until I ended up with a Buddha-like creature with a calm but powerful expression, slanted eyes, a bald head with pointy ears over a squat body with arms folded loosely over a chubby belly. There was a kindness to his face that endeared him to me. He reminded me a little of my father. My ‘Buddha’ possessed an inherent strength and loving concern. This creation taught me the importance of loving and embracing all of me, and to give myself permission to accept and process all that comes up for me around painful emotions.

A few days later, I brought my sculpture to an outdoor Raku kiln firing. I put my piece into the flames where it underwent many chemical changes. Smoke billowed out from around the fire pit. The kiln reached over 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit in a very short time, and when the piece was removed, it was bright orange like molten lava. It was then smothered in sawdust in a large tin garbage can and then covered until it cooled off. The whole process of transformation, of going through extreme temperature changes, was exceedingly cathartic to me. I felt like my inner saboteur was being raked through the coals and was morphing into something positive that I could integrate into my life. My inner process was changing for good as my sculpture went through its metamorphosis.

I had no idea what my piece would look like in the end, and I loved not knowing the outcome. This was the important last step in the creation of my healing sculpture; letting go of expectations. It is what I most needed in moving past my saboteur. I had learned that I needed to let go of perceived outcome and stay more present in my life. The important place for me to explore now was staying present, connected to myself, and connected to my friends, family and clients. True power lies in keeping the present alive.

It took a new kind of courage and a quieting of self-sabotaging thoughts about embarrassment and judgment to be bold enough to face my failure and speak about it openly. Here’s what I now know about failure: I firmly believe that if we do not risk, we will not move forward. And if we risk, we will most certainly fail some of the time. Failure can be a wonderful and powerful gift. I am making it my business to become an expert at learning from failure, and most importantly, an expert at connecting myself to my inner core, my potential as a human. It is only through this connection that I can help connect others to their essence, their true potential.

Had I not heeded the call to learning and growing from this tough experience of failure, I would not have grown up to be the adult that I am now, the adult who refuses to stay small, who is not limited by circumstance, but rather uses each life lesson as a stepping stone to a life well-lived. That is the ultimate gift of failure.

Overcoming Fear

When I was 8 years old, I moved from Atlanta, Georgia to Long Branch, New Jersey. I soon became best friends with freckle-faced Susie. I think we became fast friends because she was bright, creative, and fun. We spent a lot of time together in and out of school. I slept over on weekends and she slept at my house, too.

One Saturday, when we were around 11 years old, we decided to take a walk on the wild side, that is we crossed over the railroad tracks, the dividing line between the white neighborhood where my family lived, and the African American neighborhood across the tracks. This was back in the sixties, when segregation was still very prevalent in most of America. Somehow we knew never to cross the line. But Susie and I were bold and daring, and we decided to do the dangerous thing.

It was titillating to go into uncharted territory, and we loved the excitement of going into this forbidden part of town. On the way home, a group of African American girls, probably our age, pulled up on their bicycles and began to taunt us. They shouted, “Did you say something to me, girl?” to which we answered, “No”. They hovered nearby and began to threaten us. Susie started running really fast. She was always a faster runner than I, and I remember the fear that took over my body. I really thought I was going to get killed and for a moment, I stood paralyzed, unable to move.

My fight or flight instinct took over, and I began to run, my heart beating wildly in my chest. I ran as fast as I could, the sound of the girls’ laughter fading in the distance, as I finally reached the tracks and crossed over to the safety of my neighborhood.

That feeling of extreme fear, of feeling abandoned, and then surviving and overcoming fear, is a feeling I still carry with me today. I learned some valuable lessons on that day.

1) If someone doesn’t come through for you, come through for yourself. You are all you’ve got sometimes, and you need to pool all your resources in order to get through tough times.

2) Most threats are just that -- baseless and harmless. I didn’t know that then, but I know now. Look fear straight in the eye and be bold. Courage will follow.

3) You are stronger than you think. When times get tough, I get tougher. Crisis makes me stronger. Use your inner resources and grow from your trials. They are the best teachers in life.

Share a story with me about crisis and courage. I would love to hear how you were effected.

Piercing as Self-Expression

I have wanted to pierce something on my body for a few years now. Nothing too out there, maybe a sexy pierced nose or second hole in my ear lobes. I was a little nervous, but the idea intrigued me. This summer, my co-worker, Jayne and I were about to pierce our noses on a day off, but decided against it.

Two days ago, I was at the mall with my daughter and she said, "Mom, don't you want a second hole in your ear? Let's do it!" That was all it took for me to say a resonant "Yes!" to piercing. A few minutes later, I found myself sitting in a chair, filling out consent forms and picking out my new earring. I am now the proud owner of a second hole in my left ear.

What was so important about the piercing? It was a sign of something for me. A symbol of self-expression, signifying something changing in my life. I wanted to mark the beginning of my independence, as I transition from a married co-dependent woman to a divorced woman with a career as a life coach and artist, a homeowner, single mom to children who are moving up and out of my home. I have one daughter left living at home, have begun to date again, and I am happy with my life.

My pierced ear says, "I am just beginning this new phase in life and I am excited to see where my life goes." I didn't have to pierce an ear to say all that, but I love touching this new symbol of my emerging self. It's a constant reminder of where I am heading, and I love it!