The Truth Will Save You

“What you bring forth will save you. What you don’t bring forth will kill you.” St. Thomas

I am a big believer in truth telling. When people are hurt by someone, they often don't say how they really feel. They withhold the truth. Bad feelings usually accumulate and there is often a total disconnect and shut down or an eventual blowup. Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate for cruel truth telling without filtering what you say to some degree. I am also a big believer in kindness. 

So how do you tell the truth and remain kind? It all depends on your intention. If your intention is to connect to another, your truth telling will be a gift. If it is to shame or blame another, your honesty will be received poorly and will often disconnect you. 

Here's an example of what happens when truth is withheld: A friend recently told me about her strained relationship with her brother. She hadn't seen him in many years as they live in two different countries. When she arrived to the States a week ago, her brother did not offer to pick her up at the airport. He did not invite her to stay at his house on her day off with him. She was hurt by his lack of reaching out to her. So she shut down and was angry. What she didn't do was get curious. She did not find out why he did not want to pick her up or invite her over. And she started to analyze and make stuff up. That is always dangerous, as it is usually far from the truth. 

"What you don't bring forth will kill you": My friend was pretty much giving up on her brother. She had a whole script that played out in her head, none of which was the whole truth. I encouraged her to take some simple steps towards interrogating the truth.

1) Empathize with herself first: Get really clear with what she was feeling, what needs were not being met. Sit with that a bit until she had empathized fully with herself.

2) Have a conversation with her brother: Empathize with him. If he doesn't know what he is feeling or needing, she can take a guess. "I imagine that you must be feeling frustrated" would be a good way to start an empathy guess. If you are right, that's great. If not, he can correct her and tell her what he is really feeling.

3) When he feels fully heard and seen, it is much easier to let him know how she felt when he said those hurtful words. He will receive her words more fully.

4) Let him know her intention in having the conversation with him. If her intention is to connect, to grow the relationship, to keep the connection flowing, let him know.

5) Make a request: If she wants to make sure that future conversations are more connecting, she needs to create a new way of being with him. 

6) Redesign the alliance: Together, come up with new ways of being with each other.

Share a story with me about when you withheld the truth from someone who hurt you. What happened? What was at stake? And I'd love to hear about when you were truthful with someone about how you felt when they hurt your feelings. How did that go?

Let's work together to repair the world, one truth at a time.