Having a teenage daughter is like walking a tightrope. One minute she pushes me away, the next she is sitting next to me, desiring my company. It can feel a bit bi-polar. It helps that I've already gone through this with my two older kids, so I do have a bigger vision for where we might be heading.Every Saturday afternoon, I tutor my daughter in preparation for high school. Last Saturday, she blew me off in deference to her friends who would be leaving the next day on changeover day. I understood her need to be social, and had her commit to another day. She swore that Sunday morning would be a great time for both of us, and that never happened for a variety of reasons. I rescheduled for Monday after lunch, rest period for us here at camp, and again a no show. Rescheduled for Thursday, and you guessed it, she never came. I was fuming by the end of the week, and I wanted to approach her in a way that was connective, not distancing.
After a lot of thought, I approached her in this way:
1) I told her how her actions impacted me, that I had taken time out of my day each time, downloaded and printed sheets to aide in our learning, and was upset and disappointed.
2) I asked how she felt hearing about the impact it had on me.
3) I asked her how important doing well in High School was to her.
4) I asked her what responsibility she would take in making sure this didn't happen again.
5) I told her the consequence to her actions would be that we would meet for an hour this Saturday to make up for the half hour she missed.
I think I was clear and considerate and compassionate. I am glad I waited to process the information before talking to her, as I would have regretted yelling at her. It would not have accomplished much, and it certainly would not have brought us closer, nor would it have made her take responsibility for her actions.
How do you handle conflict with your teen? I am curious to hear what works for you.
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Honesty and space. I try to let my teen know as clearly as possible what is going on that is bugging me and my feelings of disappointment or anger or whatever--as soon as possible. I let him know that my intention isn't to have the last word, but rather to open a dialogue. Then I leave him alone. I have found (with this particular teen!) that with some time to roll it over in his own head and figure out his part of whatever is going on, he usually comes to a reasonable place on his own-- and then initiates discussion about it on his own volition, acknowledging his role and letting me know he's sorry. Sometimes just naming what's going on is enough to help him understand the dynamic at hand and help us both get to a place of empathy and effort faster... I also will never try to have a discussion with him when he is hungry. What a waste of time that is! :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel,
ReplyDeleteLove your comments about honesty and space. Very well put, clear and concise! Sounds like it's just the right thing to continue to build your relationship with your son. And hunger and heavy conversation are a bad mix with anyone, I agree wholeheartedly. Now, I need to take a break for a sandwich. I'm starving...