Say What You Mean to Say

It is tempting to speak behind people's backs when you live, eat and breathe together with the same people for seven weeks. At home, I coach from my home office, I am in contact with very few people outside of my coaching clients, close friends and family, and make a conscious effort to refrain from speaking unkindly about others. And then there's Summer Sandy: living amongst many adults whom I see only once a year, all of us diverse with different wants and needs. It is easy to lose patience, feel hurt, see injustices, and tell everyone except the person you should be telling. 

Why is it that we shy away from telling people that they have done something hurtful? What are we afraid of? Why is it so difficult to confront? 

Most of my life, I was pretty guilty of talking behind people's backs because of the poor responses I was getting from the people I confronted. I told myself that it wasn't worth having discussions with people who don't listen, so why bother. Then I would tell my friends what happened and receive empathy from them. I felt validated.

What I now realize is that my way of confronting was unsuccessful because of my methodology. Yes, I spoke my mind, told the person that they hurt my feelings, and it basically came across as an accusation. The other person went on the defensive and it disconnected us even further.

Here's what I do now (most of the time):

1) Speak up right away. A simple "Ouch, that hurts" is sometimes enough to let someone know, in the moment, that they have said or done something hurtful.

2) State your observation of what happened without an emotional charge.

3) Tell how it felt when that happened.

4) Speak about the need that wasn't being met.

5) Ask the other person for feedback. How did they feel hearing you say that?

6) Make a request of the other person. Come up with some way of behaving differently in the future.

Are you saying what you mean to say? Are you holding back from speaking your truth?