Walking the Tightrope of a Teen

Having a teenage daughter is like walking a tightrope. One minute she pushes me away, the next she is sitting next to me, desiring my company. It can feel a bit bi-polar. It helps that I've already gone through this with my two older kids, so I do have a bigger vision for where we might be heading.

Every Saturday afternoon, I tutor my daughter in preparation for high school. Last Saturday, she blew me off in deference to her friends who would be leaving the next day on changeover day. I understood her need to be social, and had her commit to another day. She swore that Sunday morning would be a great time for both of us, and that never happened for a variety of reasons. I rescheduled for Monday after lunch, rest period for us here at camp, and again a no show. Rescheduled for Thursday, and you guessed it, she never came. I was fuming by the end of the week, and I wanted to approach her in a way that was connective, not distancing.

After a lot of thought, I approached her in this way:

1) I told her how her actions impacted me, that I had taken time out of my day each time, downloaded and printed sheets to aide in our learning, and was upset and disappointed.

2) I asked how she felt hearing about the impact it had on me.

3) I asked her how important doing well in High School was to her.

4) I asked her what responsibility she would take in making sure this didn't happen again.

5) I told her the consequence to her actions would be that we would meet for an hour this Saturday to make up for the half hour she missed.

I think I was clear and considerate and compassionate. I am glad I waited to process the information before talking to her, as I would have regretted yelling at her. It would not have accomplished much, and it certainly would not have brought us closer, nor would it have made her take responsibility for her actions.

How do you handle conflict with your teen? I am curious to hear what works for you.

Why Fast?

I haven't had anything to eat or drink in about 23 hours. I am lightheaded and a bit draggy, but I am not thinking too much about eating. Maybe a drink of water would help with the low energy, but I am sure I can go without food for a longer period of time. I am not fasting for my health but for my faith. Today is Tisha B'av, the 9th day of the Hebrew month of Av, and I am fasting to commemorate the tragedies that took place on this day throughout history.

When I was young, I used to crave certain foods on this fast day. I remember smelling candy wrappers to help stave off the hunger. Didn't work too well. My mom notoriously baked the most delicious cinnamon and chocolate ruggelach on this day, preparing for after the fast, and my I would get so angry at the torture she put us all through.

For me, fasting is a time to reflect. I am thinking about the magnitude of this day, but also the lessons that we can learn from the tragedies that took place. Since the tragedies were caused by baseless hatred, I am particularly cognizant as to how I speak about others, stopping myself from speaking behind people's backs many times today. I am trying hard to refrain from judging others, working on being open to how others think and act, no matter how different they are from me.

Fasting is a cleansing. I think it is important to do things differently than we always do, to stop and take notice. Fasting helps me do that. There are many other ways to accomplish this in life.

How do you put the brakes on your life and slow down to reflect?

Starbucks and Empowerment

Art and Meditation Wednesday

Today in my art and meditation alternative prayer service, I had a group of 27 thirteen and fifteen year old boys and girls. Since today is the eve of the fast day Tisha B'av, I wanted to facilitate a discussion that would inspire some new perspectives about this solemn day. So, I began today's session with a discussion about Starbucks and empowerment. Huh, you might ask?

I read an interesting article last night on Aish.com about the connection between Starbucks and Tisha B'av. In short, the multitude of tragedies that took place on Tisha B'av can be traced to the Bible, where the spies were sent out into the land of Israel to scout it out. They brought back stories of giants residing in the land, tales of fear and angst about entering the land of Israel. Moses knew that with trust in God, they would be protected, but the people did not have faith or vision. They thought small. They were punished severely for this flaw in their character.

Howard Schultz, a kitchen parts VP, visited Starbucks when it was a small town operation in Seattle, Washington. He came in to buy a coffee grinder and left with the vision of Starbucks shops throughout America. Only glitch was that the three owners of Starbucks had no desire to expand. Schultz opened his own coffeehouse, which was a huge success, and a few years later, bought out Starbucks for a mere 3.8 million dollars. There are now over 16,600 stores worldwide, and a net worth of over $10 billion!

If Schultz had let go of his vision and thought small, where would Starbucks be today?

I asked the kids the following powerful question: What is one thing in your life that is keeping you small, holding you back from being the most powerful you can be? Paint your answer.

The painting above was done by a 15 year old girl. She described the one thing that is holding her back is chaos, represented by the dark colors at the bottom of the painting. The colors coming out of the chaos represent order. What does she get when she has order? Clarity. Pretty profound coming from a 15 year old!

I challenge you with the same question: What is one thing that is holding you back from being your most powerful self? If you like, paint your answer and post it here. I would love to see what comes up for you.

The Value of Decompressing

Today is my day off. Here at camp, we work on Sundays, so we usually have our day off on a Monday or Tuesday. As a solopreneur, it is easy for me to get lost in my work. I make my own schedule, and I often work evenings, early mornings, weekends, rarely taking time off to just chill. I find this to be a common phenomenon among my clients. Fun and recreation are just not an important enough part of our lives.

While Saturday and Sunday are the typical days off here in America, having a Tuesday off makes me much more aware of how I choose to spend my time. Today, I am planning an hour and a half trip to Northern Maine to visit a friend from Connecticut who recently moved to Maine. My friend Bertha is my mom's age, and I just love having her in my life. She is bright, loving, compassionate, and balanced. She was an active and lively member of my book club.

At home, I rarely planned my days off. I just wanted to decompress a bit, spend time with my family and friends. Planning my days off here has taught me to really value my time even more than I usually do. This time is a gift, and I plan to make good use of every moment. I look forward to seeing Bertha's warm and loving family at her lake house, and I will see get a chance to visit her new condo. Maybe we'll have coffee at the local Starbucks, go for a walk around the lake, take out a kayak, eat a delicious salmon dinner together. Whatever we do, I know it will be a wonderful day.

I plan to bring home the energy of today's outing and use it to fuel my week. Are you making the time to decompress? How often do you take time off, and how do you spend your leisure time?

Change is in the Air

Second session has officially begun. As I ate breakfast this morning, I noticed lots of new faces in the dining room. There are new campers and new teachers and specialists. I feel a sparkly energy in the air. Newness does that to me. It opens up a sense of possibility.

In the microcosm of the art room, we have our own newness. A woman arrived yesterday who will be working with us on teaching "green" scrap-booking to two groups of kids for the next few weeks. She will be using recycled materials to create one-of-a-kind scrap-books with the campers. It looks like a cool project, and she is full of energy and excitement. And the other teachers are expanding to let in a new person and feel what that new relationship will be like.

Any new relationship can be an intense experience. When a few people have found their rhythm together as a unit and a new person enters into the mix, there is some push and pull. One of the art teachers was upset about the fact that she herself is an expert in scrap-booking and she feels usurped by the hiring of this woman. I am sure that the new person is going through her own emotional experience of entering into an existing relationship. And I am hopeful that within a few days, we will all find our rhythm and see the possibilities of being in this new relationship. We have already adjusted to many changes in the art room, with a new ceramics director, a new wood working director, and my shift out of ceramics and into the art room. If I hadn't moved into the art room, I probably would not have been working with the campers on the art and meditation program I began three weeks ago.

With every change comes a new experience. I look forward to being immersed in new experiences with new campers, new teachers, and new projects. I can't wait to see what comes of all these new relationships!

What relationship are you feeling anxious about? What are you avoiding? What would be possible if you engaged more fully in this relationship?

Baseless Hatred

This coming week, many Jewish people will be recalling the tragic destruction of Jerusalem and the Holy Temple. We will be commemorating this tragedy with a fast day, Tisha B'av, or the 9th of the month of Av. This coming Sabbath, we will be reading a portion of the Prophets which describes the destruction of Jerusalem in gruesome detail. Our sages tell us that this destruction was due to baseless hatred.

So what exactly is baseless hatred? At first glance, it seems like an oxymoron. How do people hate one another without a reason? Even as I type these words, I recall many instances in history (and the present) where people hated one another simply because. Because their leader told them to. Or their friends told them to. Or they were fearful of being caught doing the 'right' thing. Many people maintain a gang mentality and don't have the courage to think for themselves. There are so many reasons why someone might hate another for no apparent reason.

As the first session here in camp comes to an end this Sunday, many will tearfully say goodbye to their new and old friends. Camp is a mini-world, a melting pot where so many different people from different geographical locations, backgrounds, families, income levels, and religious observance, gather together for an intensive few weeks. It is easy to hate someone here for no real reason. When kids are with their bunk, there can be a group mentality of people ganging up against someone in the bunk. People can get on each other's nerves. However, I have rarely seen any unkind behavior at this camp. In fact, this is the most sensitive and considerate camp atmosphere I have ever worked in. Counselors are wonderful role models for their campers, modeling the compassionate behavior they expect from their campers.

I believe that if we desire compassion and kindness from others, we too must model that behavior. It is in this climate that we can begin to mend the violence and pain of the baseless hatred in the world. What steps will you take to model compassion and kindness?

Making Stuff Up

"Say it, don't spray it" was something we used to say to someone who spit on you while talking. As an adult, spitting is not my biggest issue. What matters more to me is when someone doesn't express what they are thinking, and stuff starts to get blown up out of proportion in their head. So, I guess in my adult life, a more appropriate idiom would be, "Express it, don't repress it".

Just this morning, I had a talk with someone who had made up a whole scenario about how she might be perceived negatively by me and the other art director here in camp. She had created a lot of negative thoughts and was expressing them so that we would not think poorly of her. Frankly, I was a bit surprised at how she saw herself through our eyes. We had no such thoughts, and expressing herself to us cleared the air. Her inner dialogue was so much worse than the outcome of her outer dialogue.

What conversation have you been avoiding? What are you making up about it? What bold step will you take towards expressing yourself fully to the one you are sidestepping?

If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Pat Goodeill, one of my blog followers, commented on my blog yesterday: "My two (daughters) are 22 and 24 and I wish I had known what I know now, but then they probably would not have turned out to be the beautiful girls they are today." I started thinking about hindsight and whether or not I believe that I would have done better or worse with prior knowledge.

I do believe that we are comprised of a culmination of our experiences. As one of my campers in yesterday's art and meditation group said, all of it is important, the highs, the lows, the positive and the negative. There is learning in every experience if we choose to focus there.

So, would I have been a better parent if I would have known then what I know now? Possibly, but my kids had some tough experiences to weather which helped to form who they are today. My childhood trials and tribulations led to a lot of painful learning, but the end result is that I am tougher and smarter than I might have been if these lessons were taught to me through words rather than experience.

In my opinion, one of the biggest issues in this generation of child rearing is that children are often coddled too much. These children are not trusted to make their own mistakes and learn from them. They are not given the opportunities to become resourceful in tough situations. Many are still being over-parented well into their twenties, with reports of parents writing their kids' papers in college.

So, while I may have yelled too much when my skill set as a parent ran short in my earlier parenting years, my kids are turning out just fine. They are kind, loving, considerate, active members of their community. They are bright, engage well in conversation, and follow their heart and their passions. They are this way, I believe, because of a combination of all of their experiences, the tough and the easy, the resonant and the dissonant. It is this melting pot of experiences that has formed them into the fabulous people that they have become.

So, do I look back and say "what if..."? Absolutely not. The world is unfolding exactly as it should. What are your thoughts on hindsight? I would love to hear.

Miracles Do Happen!

As I led the group of teens to my weekly alternative prayer art and meditation service, I was shocked to find that I had an unexpected attendee: my 14 year old daughter. Miraculous! Why, you might ask, is this a miracle? Because at camp, she does not want to publicly acknowledge that I am her mom. She has never signed up for art as an elective. She barely talks to me in public (except when she needs something). Need I say more?

It was enough of a miracle that she chose to come with her friends to my class, so what followed was an even bigger shocker: she opened up about her feelings in front of the group. At home, I find it difficult to squeeze more than a few words out of her or to get her to open up about what's going on for her on just about any topic. So, when the group began to share their hopes and fears, she was one of the first to contribute, and I cherished every word that came out of her mouth. 

I was blown away by the many profound deep thoughts that I heard this morning. One of the teens described that the bold strokes in her painting represented the experiences she looks forward to in high school next year. The black strokes that she interspersed were for the failures that she anticipates, which she expressed as an important part of her experience. She was looking forward to both! Wow, it took me many more decades to learn the important life lesson of including failure as a gift.

To close the session, I had the kids think of something they wanted to manifest in their lives. We discussed the importance of intention, how our thoughts determine the actions we take and the subsequent outcome of our lives. Each kid had a private thought that they then took with them to begin their day. 

My lesson today is that it is good to be patient and not take things personally. If I took it personally and was angry every time my daughter ignored me or kept things inside, I would probably not have experienced today's miracle. I am celebrating that I had the patience and the perspective that things would eventually shift. I kept my heart open, and I received a lovely gift.

What miracles are happening in your life?

Crying When the Children Sing

By nature, I am not a crier. But I do cry when children sing or dance or perform in a play. Especially when their unbridled joy is clear to me. Last night was the camp's annual Zimriyah, or sing off. Each division sings three songs in a camp-wide competition. I could do without the competitive part and the inevitable tears after the winner is announced, but the singing was inspirational. Okay, not every kid is a Justin Timberlake or a Britney, but there is nothing like watching the look on the face of a kid who is totally letting go of all inhibition and singing with all their heart and soul.

I love watching the fervor with which the campers sing. They smile, jump, wave their hands in a choreographed fashion. Their are some serious singers in the crowd, knitted brows, fists waving. I love watching the faces. And I always tear up at the joy that I witness.

I never used to understand why I cried at these happy occasions, but I now realize that it's tied into the work that I do as a life coach. So many adults get disconnected from this level of unbridled joy and flow, myself included for a big chunk of my life. It is so easy for us to get caught up in the daily grind, getting our jobs done, our families cared for, that we don't always realize that it's possible to do all of this and still be really happy. 

Many of my clients feel that they are stuck in their lives, resigned to their 'lot in life'. I couldn't disagree more. I feel we are always at choice, and sometimes we just need a little kick in the pants to remind us of what's possible. Watching those kids last night was my wake up reminder. I am meeting the day with a renewed sense of connection to my essence. And it doesn't hurt that it also happens to be my day off. What will I choose to do today that will reflect the joy I witnessed? Stay tuned to tomorrow's post for the answer.

Lining Up Your Life

Last night I 'met' a woman who, like me, was trained in Nonviolent Communication, (or NVC) and as a life coach through the Coaches Training Institute. We actually met each other through a post for her teleclass on the internet, and I reached out to connect by phone about our similar lines of work. We had a lively discussion about combining NVC and coaching and how it plays out in both of our careers. 

I then spoke with her about combining another passion of mine, art, into my career. I have always thought it wise to have a niche, a specific way for people to identify what you stand for in any career. And this has been one of my biggest challenges. As an artist who loves to explore new things, I have sold my work in calligraphy, illustration for books and magazines, fabric art, furniture painting, murals, and ceramics. When I first became a coach, the process of coaching was so creative that I didn't feel the need to create in any tactile way. After about a year, I realized that I was neglecting an important part of who I am. People started asking me if I was creating new art, and it got me to thinking about how I could combine all of my passions into one. 

I began my first process painting class last August, combining coaching and art. I guided five women through a powerful visualization to call up their highest self. From that resonant place, they finger painted for an hour, meditative music playing in the background. We discussed the powerful feelings that came up through the primal painting process, where the focus was not on the end product but on letting go and being in flow. Some women had epiphanies, others had a deep relaxing experience, and one or two cried through the process. I realized I was onto something powerful and important.

Last fall, I launched my first series of process painting classes and workshops and the results have been incredible. Women have quit boring jobs, pursuing a resonant career for the first time in decades. Others have gotten clarity on relationships. And I received a huge gift from this process: a coaching niche, combining all that I love into one place. 

At the close of last night's phone call, my new coaching 'friend' said something lovely to me. "I thank you for this call, Sandy. I feel I have gotten much more from the call than you. I am inspired by your ability to add art to your coaching. It has gotten me to thinking about how I can combine aspects of my life into my coaching career."

When we are in alignment with our life purpose, there is so much alive for us. Let me know if I can help you get clear about how you can do that in your life!

The Battle of the Ego and the Soul

Yes, my premonition came true. I entered the art room at 9 PM last night and saw four women sitting on a bench, waiting to do an art project. I asked what they had in mind, and the first woman responded, "I am sooooo uncreative". I told her what I tell my campers, no negative talk in the art room. You ARE creative, you just don't know it yet. 

She responded, "Hmmm, well I did create four children!" This spunky 85 year old was already shifting her consciousness. And she went on to create a beautiful precious metal clay silver pendant.

The negative self-talk continued to buzz in the room as predicted, and I knocked each limiting belief right out of the art room.

I believe that we are what we think, and we create our realities. I choose each and every day to create a reality that works for me, and I help my clients shift their limiting thoughts by focusing instead on the inherent limitless power and light of their souls. When our egos quiet down and stop battling with our soul, we can rise above, and so much is possible from that place!

What a Day--And it Ain't Over Yet!

Here's the follow-up on my prayer/art/meditation session I ran early this morning. Success!! I had 'only' 22 kids. Again, I thought it was a group of 9 or 10 until I got into the art room and they filled two tables.

I began with a discussion on values. What are values, and which values are important to them? I then asked them the two powerful questions, 'What do you want more of?' and 'What do you want less of?' And the answer had to be about values, not things. And painted, not spoken.

I gave out watercolors and the magic began. The kids painted for about 20 minutes, quiet meditative music playing in the background. These campers, ages 12 to 15, were painting peace signs, hearts, families, and symbols of trust. When they shared what they painted with the group, their feelings and needs were so beautifully expressed. Many divided the paper in half and painted their answer to both questions. It was lovely to see the contrast between love and pain, families together and people in need.

Kids are capable of much deeper thought than many adults give them credit for. I love seeing what's possible for these young souls. If more people believed in them and cared about what they think and feel, imagine what the next generation of adults will be like!

And now I am off to teach an adult class in art. I am exhausted from starting my day so early, and yet I enjoy teaching the adults as well. I am curious to see how many adults tonight will say "I'm not good at art", or "I'm not creative". It saddens me to hear such negative self-limiting talk. We need to stop judging ourselves so harshly, to accept the beauty that lies within each and every one of us. We are all creative, just in different ways. 

As I am teaching the grownups tonight, I will be replaying the words of my young campers from this morning. I will be thinking of what's possible. And I hope I can inspire them to think a little big more highly of their inherent ability to create and let go.

 

Makin' It Work

Things in camp are not like in the real world. For instance, tomorrow I am attempting my prayer, art and meditation session again. It starts at 7:35 AM which means no early morning three mile hike for me, and I will miss my exercise. But this session is important to me, and I want to make it work for the campers.

Last Wednesday, when 65 campers showed up in the art room for the session, I made it work. Sure, I was expecting maybe 15 kids, and I quickly changed the program to accommodate the large group. I had to abandon the art part of the program because of the logistical nightmare, but I thought it was successful. This week, I want to make it even better.

First, I am limiting the number of kids to 10. I am skipping the meditation and going right to a powerful question. When the questions that I planned to give out did not print on the camp office printer, I switched it to questions that I will ask out loud. And I will limit it to two: "What do you want more of?" or "What do you want less of?" The campers will paint their answers. 

I am hoping that the small group will be conducive to more people sharing their art and their feelings. If they are into it, it will be a great way to start their day and mine.

Is there something in your life that didn't turn out the way you planned? What did you do to make it work? What did you learn about yourself?

Say What You Mean to Say

It is tempting to speak behind people's backs when you live, eat and breathe together with the same people for seven weeks. At home, I coach from my home office, I am in contact with very few people outside of my coaching clients, close friends and family, and make a conscious effort to refrain from speaking unkindly about others. And then there's Summer Sandy: living amongst many adults whom I see only once a year, all of us diverse with different wants and needs. It is easy to lose patience, feel hurt, see injustices, and tell everyone except the person you should be telling. 

Why is it that we shy away from telling people that they have done something hurtful? What are we afraid of? Why is it so difficult to confront? 

Most of my life, I was pretty guilty of talking behind people's backs because of the poor responses I was getting from the people I confronted. I told myself that it wasn't worth having discussions with people who don't listen, so why bother. Then I would tell my friends what happened and receive empathy from them. I felt validated.

What I now realize is that my way of confronting was unsuccessful because of my methodology. Yes, I spoke my mind, told the person that they hurt my feelings, and it basically came across as an accusation. The other person went on the defensive and it disconnected us even further.

Here's what I do now (most of the time):

1) Speak up right away. A simple "Ouch, that hurts" is sometimes enough to let someone know, in the moment, that they have said or done something hurtful.

2) State your observation of what happened without an emotional charge.

3) Tell how it felt when that happened.

4) Speak about the need that wasn't being met.

5) Ask the other person for feedback. How did they feel hearing you say that?

6) Make a request of the other person. Come up with some way of behaving differently in the future.

Are you saying what you mean to say? Are you holding back from speaking your truth?

Change and Rejuvenation

Today was the last day of our morning art electives here at camp, and there is a certain sadness in this transitional time. Finishing up the beautiful sterling silver pendants and brooches with the older kids, beading with the younger kids, it was a busy day. Over the last two weeks, I have come to know many of the kids, the bubbly talkative little ones and the impulsive impatient or slow and steady older ones. They are all treasures that have been unfolding over the time they spent with us. And now there will be a new group, with new projects, new personalities and new energy.

So, as I sit and make sense of the uneasy feeling I have, I realize that it's just about making room for changes to come. Endings and beginnings. It's all good, just new and unpredictable, but how much of life really is predictable?

I begin to focus on planning for the upcoming new projects and the campers who will sign up for art this session, and I am filled with a sense of excitement and adventure. I look forward to seeing who shows up, and getting a feel for what works for these new kids.

And here's another change I am looking forward to: my next day off is only two days away! Always great to have a break and rejuvenate. The above self-portrait of my lovely hand-painted toes was taken two summers ago in Ogunquit on one of my days off. It was a glorious day, a breeze off the ocean, and I recall walking miles along the shore and in and out of craft stores, spawning new ideas for things to create. Whatever I end up doing on Tuesday, I will make sure that it involves water, walking and inspiration. 

How do you deal with change? And what do you do to rejuvenate?

Meditation and Art

Our camp does a really cool thing. Once a week, there is a creative approach to prayer to get the kids connected to prayer in a way that resonates for them. There is yoga, creative writing, a class for G-d fleers, and I volunteered to try a new thing, meditation and art, based on my process painting workshops that I do with adults during the year.

I thought my class would attract about ten kids, and had a loose structure in mind. In camp, I have learned that it's difficult to plan too much in advance, as you almost never know what to expect. When the kids split into groups, I noticed that a crowd had quickly gathered around me. I smiled in anticipation of an eager audience, and led my group to the art room. About halfway there, I turned around and was in shock. About 65 kids were following me! I felt like the Pied Piper of Art and Meditation!

There were barely enough seats at the table, and certainly not enough room for each camper to paint, so I focused on the meditation instead. I dimmed the lights and they all closed their eyes while I guided them through a powerful visualization about how they see themselves. They "entered" a house with three rooms. In each room there was only a full length mirror. The first room is about seeing yourself through the eyes of judgement and evaluation. The second is for them to call upon an image or feeling of the divine, and they take that image into the third room to see themselves through the eyes of the divine. 

It is challenging enough to get teens to open up, and it was particularly difficult given the enormous amount of campers in the room. There was little time to develop the feeling of safety in the room, so very few kids shared their experience with the visualization. The few who did share were inspiring. 

After praying together, I left the kids with a positive perspective shift on the rain, which was still falling heavily while we sat in the art room. After almost two weeks straight of rain, it is easy to become depressed, but just like the three mirrors in the visualization were only mirrors seen through different eyes, so too with the rain. I asked them for four positive statements about what was good about the rain and here's what they said:

1) We get to miss swimming (many dislike the lake)

2) We get to wear cool rain boots (and they are so colorful and fun!)

3) The plants grow well

4) There might be a rainbow!

I love what they shared, and I hope that in spite of the fact that I didn't get to do anything artistic with them this time, they left with a perspective shift. Sometimes it's the subtle things that make the biggest impact. Camp has taught me to let go of so much. My expectations are shifting daily. I am able to focus on what is really important. Prayer is challenging for many of us. If these kids are more connected in some way to gratitude, then I have done my job well.

What are you letting go of and how is it impacting your life?

Summer Camp is Like Having a Wife

All year long, I am juggling my many hats: mom, life coach, artist, driver, chef, personal shopper to my kids. In the summer, I wear fewer hats: art director, life coach, long distance mom. I had an epiphany the other day--in sleep away camp, I basically have a "wife" to do most of my daily chores. I have a personal chef, someone to shop for food, clean up after meals, and take care of my daughter who is here with me. I know it may sound sexist, but traditionally this is the wife's role that most women I know have adapted in their homes. 

Having a "wife" has freed me up to be more creative. I can focus on taking care of my own needs, which I have often neglected in lieu of my kids' needs. I can stay up and talk to friends or go out at night without thinking twice about who might need me at home. I save so much time by not shopping for food or clothes, and I enjoy not having to plan meals every day. While I delight in making an occasional delicious meal, it's a drag when it becomes a daily chore.

So, I am publicly declaring my gratitude for my camp "spouse" (actually a team of wonderful people), who lovingly provide for me every day. And I will make an effort to be mindful of my own self-care and creative output when I return home at the end of August!

Ogunquit in the Rain

Yesterday, I spent my much-anticipated day off in Ogunquit, Maine. For those of you who have never visited Ogunquit, it is a quaint, artsy beach town and one of my favorite day-off destinations. 

This is the first time that it rained almost the entire time I was there. Not pitter-patter rain. No, this was the downpour variety. To top it off, it was also bone-chilling cold. So I put on my positive glasses and decided to quit moping about the weather and start enjoying Ogunquit in the rain. I didn't have a choice about the weather, but I did have a choice about my mindset.

There were much fewer people than usual in the shops, and I noticed that the store owners were bored and eager to engage in conversation with me and my friends. As we entered The Spot, a clothing, beachwear and jewelry shop, we spotted a man sitting on a white rattan sofa in the back room, eating his Thai vegetarian dinner. Jose and his wife owned the store, and he was very friendly. We began speaking about everything from his Special Education career in South Beach, Florida, to how he met his wife and got into the retail business, to his yoga practice, vegetarian diet, and his club connections back in Florida. We had a fascinating and fun conversation. I loved his positive outlook on life.

The next clothing store we entered was run by a woman who was pleasant and helpful. She began talking to me about the creative memoir writing courses that she teaches. We had a great discussion about teaching, writing, and the incessant rain.

The rain slowed us all down, in a good way. We lingered a lot longer in places where we would have just perused for a few moments. And I loved the slower pace. I enjoyed knowing that I had no place to rush to. It was my day off. I could return to camp any time I wanted. I could sit down for a mocha latte at Breaking New Grounds in Perkins Cove, Maine, watching the waves crash onto the shore, or eat some delicious home-made ice cream at Annabelle's in Portsmouth, New Hampshire on our way back to camp. 

As we headed back to camp, the sun broke through the clouds and we all cheered! Hooray for the sun, and a few hours later, when the sky opened up again, hooray for the rain. Just shifting your focus a bit can help you enjoy the day, no matter the weather. And there is always a hidden blessing even in the most challenging situations in life. 

I would love to hear how you shifted your focus and found the hidden blessing in a challenging situation in your life. 

The Truth Will Save You

“What you bring forth will save you. What you don’t bring forth will kill you.” St. Thomas

I am a big believer in truth telling. When people are hurt by someone, they often don't say how they really feel. They withhold the truth. Bad feelings usually accumulate and there is often a total disconnect and shut down or an eventual blowup. Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate for cruel truth telling without filtering what you say to some degree. I am also a big believer in kindness. 

So how do you tell the truth and remain kind? It all depends on your intention. If your intention is to connect to another, your truth telling will be a gift. If it is to shame or blame another, your honesty will be received poorly and will often disconnect you. 

Here's an example of what happens when truth is withheld: A friend recently told me about her strained relationship with her brother. She hadn't seen him in many years as they live in two different countries. When she arrived to the States a week ago, her brother did not offer to pick her up at the airport. He did not invite her to stay at his house on her day off with him. She was hurt by his lack of reaching out to her. So she shut down and was angry. What she didn't do was get curious. She did not find out why he did not want to pick her up or invite her over. And she started to analyze and make stuff up. That is always dangerous, as it is usually far from the truth. 

"What you don't bring forth will kill you": My friend was pretty much giving up on her brother. She had a whole script that played out in her head, none of which was the whole truth. I encouraged her to take some simple steps towards interrogating the truth.

1) Empathize with herself first: Get really clear with what she was feeling, what needs were not being met. Sit with that a bit until she had empathized fully with herself.

2) Have a conversation with her brother: Empathize with him. If he doesn't know what he is feeling or needing, she can take a guess. "I imagine that you must be feeling frustrated" would be a good way to start an empathy guess. If you are right, that's great. If not, he can correct her and tell her what he is really feeling.

3) When he feels fully heard and seen, it is much easier to let him know how she felt when he said those hurtful words. He will receive her words more fully.

4) Let him know her intention in having the conversation with him. If her intention is to connect, to grow the relationship, to keep the connection flowing, let him know.

5) Make a request: If she wants to make sure that future conversations are more connecting, she needs to create a new way of being with him. 

6) Redesign the alliance: Together, come up with new ways of being with each other.

Share a story with me about when you withheld the truth from someone who hurt you. What happened? What was at stake? And I'd love to hear about when you were truthful with someone about how you felt when they hurt your feelings. How did that go?

Let's work together to repair the world, one truth at a time.