Confrontation with Grace

Confronting someone can be a difficult thing. I grew up with the model of confrontation that looks like this: "I gave so and so a piece of my mind!" This kind of confrontation is all about getting the hurt off of my chest and flipping it back to you. It may result in a short term gain, where the "confrontee" is compliant for the moment, but in the long run, this relationship is not healed. More likely, the person confronted will feel attacked and will get disconnected from the confronter.

I have been working on my confrontation skills for most of my adult life, and I think that I am finally able to confront with grace. The key is to have the intention to connect with the person that I am confronting because I value the relationship.

Yesterday, I coached a client who was feeling hurt by a recent incident between herself and a close friend. This was actually a repeat offense, one that she let slide a few times in the past so as not to rock the boat. This time, she was wanting to confront her friend and to do it with grace. She wanted to let her friend know how hurtful her actions were in order to connect more deeply with her.

I had a similar situation with a friend whom I have known for over 30 years. She had never come to visit me in my new home that I purchased after my divorce a year and a half ago. The divorce and home purchase were life changing events in my life, and I yearned for her friendship and support. 

I had asked her to visit many times, and it still didn't happen. In the past, I may have framed my request to her in a more joking off the cuff way than I intended so as not to appear pushy or needy. Yesterday, I told her clearly and sincerely that I was sad that she hadn't come to see me in my new home and that I missed her support and friendship. 

She listened carefully to my words and then took a big dry audible gulp. "Thank you for your honesty, Sandy. Even though that was hard to hear, I needed to hear it. I need to step up to the sisterhood and friendship plate. I will make an effort to come and see you." Wow, what a connecting conversation that was! And then she surprised me with this comment: "You have inspired me to hang up and call a friend who I have hurt. I need to apologize for my inexcusable behavior."

Not only did we break through a barrier, she was able to pay it forward. That is the ultimate in compassionate confrontation.

I hope that I have inspired you to pay it forward. Please post a story of confrontation with grace. Or a time when you confronted someone and didn't get the results you wanted. Coaching has helped me to achieve this level of communication. And it has changed my life!