The Blessing of the Missing Sandals

How much stuff is enough? I have been acutely aware of my stuff since moving to my very own home a year and a half ago. The post-divorce selection process was agonizing, as I sorted through almost 23 years worth of accumulated stuff. Some of it was sentimental, while so much of it was just stuff. I moved to a relatively small home and I made a conscious effort to pare down the stuff.

After the move, I found that I had somehow lost a huge box of summer shoes. Because my foot size hasn't changed in 4 decades, I had quite an accumulation of shoes in that box. I searched frantically for my lovely sandals, the sparkly red ones, the brown heels with beading, the casual comfy black ones, the white sexy ones. All missing. After about a week, I realized the blessing in the missing sandals. I didn't really need the thirty pairs in the box. How many did I really need? I could get by with two pairs, one black and one white, and so I went out and purchased those two pairs of shoes. 

Soon, I found myself falling in love with a comfortable pair of flip flops, and then a great cushioned sandal that would take the strain off of standing on my feet all day at summer camp. I still kept the number of shoes to a minimum, and it felt good to de-clutter the shoe collection.

A few months ago, I came home to find a huge box in my kitchen. Lo and behold, the missing shoes had turned up! Turns out that my son had them in his closet at his dad's house the whole time. I had mixed feelings about the no-longer-missing shoes. On the one hand, I was happy to rediscover the lost shoes that I had lovingly purchased and worn. On the other hand, I had managed really well with the few pairs of shoes that had replaced the lost collection. I didn't know where I would find a place to store the newfound shoes. I had no space! 

How much stuff do we really need? When I go away for the summer to sleep away camp, I live out of a large suitcase for two months and I am so happy. During the recession, so many people have had to pare down to the basics. We have learned what's really important in life, and it's really not the "stuff". It's our relationships, our good work contributing to others that really counts. 

People who have been enamored with their stuff as a means to an end have suffered greatly during this recession. Some have taken their lives or plummeted into a great depression.

Challenge for the day: Don't buy anything today that is not an absolute necessity. Instead, focus on making a difference in one person's life. Think of it as an investment in your life account. Adding to your happiness and fulfillment account is a much better investment in your life. Much more meaningful than a pile of sandals!

 

Confrontation with Grace

Confronting someone can be a difficult thing. I grew up with the model of confrontation that looks like this: "I gave so and so a piece of my mind!" This kind of confrontation is all about getting the hurt off of my chest and flipping it back to you. It may result in a short term gain, where the "confrontee" is compliant for the moment, but in the long run, this relationship is not healed. More likely, the person confronted will feel attacked and will get disconnected from the confronter.

I have been working on my confrontation skills for most of my adult life, and I think that I am finally able to confront with grace. The key is to have the intention to connect with the person that I am confronting because I value the relationship.

Yesterday, I coached a client who was feeling hurt by a recent incident between herself and a close friend. This was actually a repeat offense, one that she let slide a few times in the past so as not to rock the boat. This time, she was wanting to confront her friend and to do it with grace. She wanted to let her friend know how hurtful her actions were in order to connect more deeply with her.

I had a similar situation with a friend whom I have known for over 30 years. She had never come to visit me in my new home that I purchased after my divorce a year and a half ago. The divorce and home purchase were life changing events in my life, and I yearned for her friendship and support. 

I had asked her to visit many times, and it still didn't happen. In the past, I may have framed my request to her in a more joking off the cuff way than I intended so as not to appear pushy or needy. Yesterday, I told her clearly and sincerely that I was sad that she hadn't come to see me in my new home and that I missed her support and friendship. 

She listened carefully to my words and then took a big dry audible gulp. "Thank you for your honesty, Sandy. Even though that was hard to hear, I needed to hear it. I need to step up to the sisterhood and friendship plate. I will make an effort to come and see you." Wow, what a connecting conversation that was! And then she surprised me with this comment: "You have inspired me to hang up and call a friend who I have hurt. I need to apologize for my inexcusable behavior."

Not only did we break through a barrier, she was able to pay it forward. That is the ultimate in compassionate confrontation.

I hope that I have inspired you to pay it forward. Please post a story of confrontation with grace. Or a time when you confronted someone and didn't get the results you wanted. Coaching has helped me to achieve this level of communication. And it has changed my life!

The Free Expression Virus

Wouldn't it be great if we could all feel free to fully express ourselves? For most of my adult life, I have been struggling with being understood for my true intentions. I feel so much satisfaction when I connect deeply with others, when I feel seen and heard. 

As an artist, I strive to paint with abandon, to express my inner process without over-thinking. As a life coach, I work with women to become fully expressed, to find their essence and express it through their thoughts, speech and actions. Since October, I finally found a way to fully express myself, by facilitating coaching/painting workshops. Women who attend these "process painting" workshops are experiencing the joy in letting go.  Many are bringing home their paintings to show their children with pride, "Look what mommy did!" 

Through this work, I am living my passion, combining my art and my coaching skills to create freedom of expression. I am working on a project called the Free Expression Virus. On May 11, I will have a booth at Spa for the Soul,  an event that will attract about 200 women. They will have the opportunity to spend a few minutes thinking about the question: "What does freedom look like to you?" and paint their response on a 6 X 6 inch square. These squares will make up a large mural entitled "Free Expression" and will be donated to a charitable organization.

I plan to go out and spread the free expression virus, and this blog is my first stop. 

Will you take a few moments to think about freedom and answer the above question: "What does freedom look like to you?" Feel free to express yourself in whatever way feels right. If you want to paint or draw your response, take a photo and email it to the blog. If you give me permission to publish, I will post it for all to see.

Here's to the freedom of being fully expressed, and the possibilities that lie within!